As an Ohio State Alumni and avid buckeye fan, I have a lot of pride in my Alma mater and love for the Ohio State football team. And like any Father, I look forward to imparting (or forcing) this love for my team to my son (or down his throat). So you can see why I had some high expectations when taking Zachary to Ohio State’s spring game at the Shoe on Saturday. I figured this would be a good practice run for when we would go to an actual game. This being the beginning of a long tradition of Father-Son Football Saturdays, going to the stadium year after year until one day as the first ever, 3 time Heisman winning quarterback of the Buckeyes, he hoists his 4th National Championship trophy above his head, will say to NBC sportscaster, “I couldn't have done this without the love and support of my father. And it all started because he took me to the OSU spring game when I was six and I fell in love with the game. Thanks Dad! Next stop the Superbowl!” But no pressure. I keep my future expectations low.
Well Zachary and I drive down to campus and park in the west campus parking lot with plans to take the CABS bus to the stadium. Now one of my memories of going to the OSU with my dad was parking far away, walking 2 miles to the stadium (to save money on parking), and my dad speed walking the whole time as he dodged in and out of the crowds like we were in an unspoken foot race with the rest of the fans with the ultimate goal of getting to our seats to then sit and wait for the game to start. I never understood what the rush was but it happened every time. So as Zachary and I were walking to the bus stop, I found myself walking faster and Zachary trailing behind. He was enjoying a leisurely stroll to the game as I was trying to bust tail to get our general admission seats with 30 minutes to go before the game started. We make it to the bus and we sit behind a dad with his 2 boys ages 4 and 5. As I am trying to point out the stadium and the twin towers as we get closer, Zachary begins a “poking” game with the 5 year old in front of him, not looking outside. We then walk to the stadium alongside Zachary’s new friends. And as thousands of OSU fans move toward the Horseshoe, among the chaos of the crowds and traffic, Zachary begins to play tag with his new friend. Dodging and weaving between people, getting in their way, stopping and starting, bumping into people. The priority for me was to take in the grandeur of the stadium as we approach and drink in the culture and comradery of OSU fans young and old coming together in one place to celebrate “our” team, and his priority was to not be “it.” As we get closer, we pull away from that family and go our separate ways because I know that if we were to sit by them, this game of tag would be the only game he cared about today.
We get into the stadium, grab some food, and find our seats. We are on A deck, so I am loving being so close. I have never and probably never will again be this close because I don’t give $5 million a year to the alumni association. The game starts and it holds his attention for about 10 minutes. And when I say “it”, I mean his hot dog. As expected, he is looking around and talking it all in. He watches the game when I point something out like “Look, number 5 has the football and he is going to pass it.” Otherwise, he looks at the scoreboard and around at the crowd. Then after the hot dog I notice that he is not watching the game at all but is strictly looking around at the crowd. He gets up walks away, comes back, and is generally very distracted. I finally ask him what he doing. I am thinking maybe he is looking for the bathroom or for more food or the awesomeness of OSU football is too much to take in and he is becoming emotional about his father bringing him to this significant moment in time where he falls in love with football and his entire collegiate career hangs on this moment where it all started. But he says to me, “I am looking for my new friend.” In a stadium of 60,000 people. So much for round 1 of the NFL draft. I tell him that he will probably not see his friend again because there are too many people here and he says to me, “But I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Doesn’t that melt your heart? I would have gone looking for him but there were probably 1000 other 5 year olds wearing red there so our chances for finding him were slim. After this I try to distract him by imparting my football wisdom to him. And in the middle of my telling him about the different plays and positions, he interrupts and yells “Brutus!” Apparently my fatherly wisdom about the game of football which was passed down to me by my father and now being passed down to my son was not as important as watching a guy wear a giant nut on his head as he twerked it to Rihanna.
After the Brutus booty show, we settle back in watching the game. Well, I am watching the game and he sitting quiet next to me. I decide to take out my phone to capture this beautiful moment on video. The massive waves of scarlet and gray , the roar of the crowd, the announcers calling plays, the team on the field, the gigantic scoreboard, etc. I get very sentimental, not believing that I will have documented proof of my first born son’s first Buckeye football game that we shared together that I can look back on and watch the awe and majesty in his eyes as he watches the game. And as I pan the crowd and the field and the scoreboard and drink in the moment as the band plays the fight song, I then pan to my eldest son…
Well it was only the Spring game, we'll try again in the fall...and not wear hats.
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Stay at Home Mom - The Religion
I am proud to present the newly formed Stay at Home Mom Religion - Mommyanity. Bring us your tired, your poor, your hungry, your spit-up on, your frazzled, your annoyed, your "I have had it up to here", your "done" and Mommyanity will give you rest.
The following images will get you acquainted with this new Stay at Home Mom religion:
Church
The Bible
The Father
Son
And Holy Spirit
The Choir
Sunday Best (the belt and high heel boots really dress up the sweats)
Church Service (One hour out of the week devoted to love and judgement)
Baptism (Symbolizes Death to Life and a special occasion when it happens)
Communion
The following images will get you acquainted with this new Stay at Home Mom religion:
Church
The Bible
The Father
Son
And Holy Spirit
The Choir
Sunday Best (the belt and high heel boots really dress up the sweats)
Church Service (One hour out of the week devoted to love and judgement)
Baptism (Symbolizes Death to Life and a special occasion when it happens)
Communion
Heaven
Hell
Small Group/Bible Study
Community Outreach/Service Projects
May Oprah be with you,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Monday, February 20, 2012
An Innocent Conversation
We were driving in the van, me in the front seat, Nate in the middle row, and Zachary and Drew in the back seat. Everything was great and nobody was yelling, crying or throwing things, so it was an unusual. We had just returned from taking a walk in the park and playing on the playground in 30 degree weather. So I believe everyone was probably just defrosting. I had coats for everyone of them too so I was feeling pretty proud as a father. Not because we had left the house with coats on (because we didn't) but because once we got to the park, I ingeniously remembered that children tend to freeze in 40 degree weather and I happened to have all their coats/sweatshirts in the van from before. So I, responsibly, put on all the coats before our hike. You might not think that was a big deal, but to me I am impressed that they were all wearing shoes AND socks and 1 out of 3 was wearing underwear...maybe.
Anyway, we were driving home and I hear this little conversation strike up in the back seat. Drew turns to Zachary and with a puffed out chest and stern conviction, he very proudly announces, "I am the only one in this family who eats his own boogers!" To which I reply "NO. Do not eat your own boogers." So hearing the anguish in my voice, Zachary, our responsible child who is always trying to do right, says to Drew, "No Drew, you do not eat your own boogers around other people. You need to wait till you get home then you can eat them." And Drew non-chalantly answers "Oh,yeah. OK." To which I reply again, "No. We do not eat our own boogers." So picking up on my intonation and not my meaning, retracts his statement and says to Drew, "Oh, that's right. You need to wait till you get in your own room, and then you can eat your own boogers." Now without laughing, losing my own credibility and without crashing the car, I turn back and as seriously as possible state, "NO! It does not matter where you eat them. The point is you do no eat them at all!" I felt like I could now write my own Dr. Seuss book.
"Boogers boogers, up in there.
You do not eat them anywhere
Not where people can try to see
Not at home, while you pee.
Not in your room all alone
Not in the car or on the phone.
Do not taste them anywhere
Do not eat them, don't you dare.
Boogers boogers up in your nose
leave them there so no one knows
If you need to get them out
Grab a tissue and blow your snout
Not with a finger or a nail
cause more than likely, you will fail.
Cause as your nose begins to bleed
Daddy is judged by all who see.
So my new book "Oh the places you'll go - Nose Edition" will be released in summer 2012.
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Anyway, we were driving home and I hear this little conversation strike up in the back seat. Drew turns to Zachary and with a puffed out chest and stern conviction, he very proudly announces, "I am the only one in this family who eats his own boogers!" To which I reply "NO. Do not eat your own boogers." So hearing the anguish in my voice, Zachary, our responsible child who is always trying to do right, says to Drew, "No Drew, you do not eat your own boogers around other people. You need to wait till you get home then you can eat them." And Drew non-chalantly answers "Oh,yeah. OK." To which I reply again, "No. We do not eat our own boogers." So picking up on my intonation and not my meaning, retracts his statement and says to Drew, "Oh, that's right. You need to wait till you get in your own room, and then you can eat your own boogers." Now without laughing, losing my own credibility and without crashing the car, I turn back and as seriously as possible state, "NO! It does not matter where you eat them. The point is you do no eat them at all!" I felt like I could now write my own Dr. Seuss book.
"Boogers boogers, up in there.
You do not eat them anywhere
Not where people can try to see
Not at home, while you pee.
Not in your room all alone
Not in the car or on the phone.
Do not taste them anywhere
Do not eat them, don't you dare.
Boogers boogers up in your nose
leave them there so no one knows
If you need to get them out
Grab a tissue and blow your snout
Not with a finger or a nail
cause more than likely, you will fail.
Cause as your nose begins to bleed
Daddy is judged by all who see.
So my new book "Oh the places you'll go - Nose Edition" will be released in summer 2012.
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!
So my choices today were to either write this blog or cry myself to sleep. And you are now reading my choice. It is now 3 days before Christmas and you would expect everyone to be excited about the coming Holiday and waiting in joyous anticipation to the promises of presents and Christmas meals and treats and gathering with your families to share this magical holiday season together, right? Well, not so much. Let me tell you about my day.
It begins at 5:30 with Nate crying in his room. When Nate wakes up, no one will get him to go back to sleep. So the alternative is to sleep on his floor while he babbles to himself and tries not to wake up the other 2. He finally starts talking loud enough at 7 that we exit the room to find out everyone else has been up already. Nate then joins Drew in a beautiful duet of whining and crying for food while breakfast cooks (and by "cooks" I mean microwavable sausage). So this is the first sign of a "good day." I leave for work, thankfully, and begin my day with 2 phone calls from my wife before I even arrive to work. They are not stress calls...yet. But the third call at 9:15 is. She and the kids have all officially lost it. In the hour that I have been gone, Drew hit Nate across the face with a foam nunchuk, Drew gets disciplined, Drew fights against discipline, Nate cries and screams at Lindsey, Lindsey cries and screams at me, and at the end of her irrational rant I get blamed for not doing the dishes or buying her a COSI/zoo membership, and get hung up on. I call back and tell her I will be home early. Not by choice but by necessity. After this phone call she takes the kids to the grocery store. When she is there, Zachary and Drew are put in the Eagle's nest. Nate stays with Lindsey and whines 85% of the time. Zachary and Drew get in a fight and the Giant Eagle worker breaks them up only to get back-talked to by Zachary. Lindsey gets paged to come pick up her unruly children. Once Drew is released, he runs to the candy aisle and steals 3 gummy sharks. Lindsey sweeps his mouth with her finger to clear it of the stolen merchandise and informs the Giant Eagle worker of the theft while Drew throws a fit on the floor screaming for everyone to turn and look. Then Drew gets up and runs out of the store. Lindsey leaves the other two to chase down the sprinting 3 year old, drags him back into the store, kicking and screaming, to join Nate who has started his own screaming chorus of the popular toddler anthem, "I Want, I Want, Gimme, Gimme, Why, AAAAAAAHHHHHH." She checks out and takes them to the car. Zachary begins to cry because not only did he not get a free cookie but he is not allowed to watch TV as a consequence for his behavior toward that adult worker. So she has achieved the "Crying Tifecta." All 3 losing their minds. It was at this point I had conveniently called her to ask for a recipe for a co-worker. I have perfect timing.
I came home and luckily avoided the trio of banshees because they were all down for their afternoon naps. Lindsey was able to join her mom to get her nails done as a stress reliever from this morning's chaos. I eat lunch and lay down on the couch to take a short power nap. I have 40 minutes until Zachary comes out of his room and no joke, 5 minutes after I close my eyes, Drew crys out. I run up, give him the Ipod touch to play a game, and I go back to lie down, 35 minutes left. At 5 more minutes, Zachary comes out and says he is so hungry he cant stand it. I tell him to stand it and get back in his room. 30 minutes left. I fall asleep. At 25 minutes left, Drew calls out again cause he is bored. I get him out and put him in Zachary's room. 25 minutes left. I fall asleep. Zachary opens his door. I tell him to shut it and if he opens again, I am adding time to his quiet time or to him, sentence. 15 minutes left. The door opens again. Now Drew is checking on the puppy. I tell him to wait. 10 minutes left. At 5 minutes and every minute after I hear loudly from their room, "5 more minutes. 4 more minutes. 3 more minutes..." So much for the power nap.
Lindsey comes home from the nail appointment and everyone is up and crazy. I tell her we are going to the store. She says "I hope not Target or Toys R Us 3 days before Christmas." And I say, "yes, because you know why? Because it is not here!" We run some errands and go to a nice dinner at Olive Garden. No mishaps or horseplay like the Mexican restaurant. The kids are great but Lindsey is not feeling too well.
We go to CVS to pick some medicine and while there Lindsey runs to the Minute Clinic to get checked out and I wait in the car with the boys. I leave the TV running in the car and the lights on. Drew also likes to have his overhead light on even though I've told him to turn it off while I am driving and while parked cause it could drain the battery. Lindsey is taking longer than expected at the Minute Clinic so I tell her we will still wait cause the boys are content with the TV in the van. But I notice the check engine light and oil light start coming on. Then the lights flicker. So I try to turn the car on and like "Up on the Housetop," click, click, click. But instead of "down the chimney with old St. Nick," the car wont start. To which Zachary immediately yells, "DREW!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR!!!" Now usually he is to blame for almost everything, but not this time. The alternator broke. So here we sit in the parking lot, stranded, 3 days before Christmas, with no TV. Well, it comes on for 10 seconds then shuts off, giving Nate a 1 second delay to begin screaming about it. And to top it all off, Zachary gets the farts. Now our windows have all steamed up as Zachary hot boxes the van while we wait for Lindsey's parents to show for a ride back home. The van will now need to be towed and get a new alternator 2 days before Christmas. When we load the kids in the back of my mother-in-law's small sedan in the rain, Zachary gets caught on Nate's left leg which we think he broke on Saturday. (the x-ray was negative, but he still wont weight bear and has been crawling around everywhere.) So as Nate cries so hard he cant make a sound, Lindsey picks him up to cradle him. By the way, she also just found out she has a double ear infection. Sing with me now, "Its the most wonderful time of the year!"
I am not writing this blog for sympathy but for acknowledgement of "Really??!!" I mean, 3 days before Christmas? I can guarantee you this was not the kind of White Christmas Bing Crosby was dreaming of. More like a broken leg, double ear infection, broken alternator, Drew screaming, Zachary blaming, Nate Crying, Dutch Oven Christmas.
Looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with an x-ray technician and a car repair man,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
It begins at 5:30 with Nate crying in his room. When Nate wakes up, no one will get him to go back to sleep. So the alternative is to sleep on his floor while he babbles to himself and tries not to wake up the other 2. He finally starts talking loud enough at 7 that we exit the room to find out everyone else has been up already. Nate then joins Drew in a beautiful duet of whining and crying for food while breakfast cooks (and by "cooks" I mean microwavable sausage). So this is the first sign of a "good day." I leave for work, thankfully, and begin my day with 2 phone calls from my wife before I even arrive to work. They are not stress calls...yet. But the third call at 9:15 is. She and the kids have all officially lost it. In the hour that I have been gone, Drew hit Nate across the face with a foam nunchuk, Drew gets disciplined, Drew fights against discipline, Nate cries and screams at Lindsey, Lindsey cries and screams at me, and at the end of her irrational rant I get blamed for not doing the dishes or buying her a COSI/zoo membership, and get hung up on. I call back and tell her I will be home early. Not by choice but by necessity. After this phone call she takes the kids to the grocery store. When she is there, Zachary and Drew are put in the Eagle's nest. Nate stays with Lindsey and whines 85% of the time. Zachary and Drew get in a fight and the Giant Eagle worker breaks them up only to get back-talked to by Zachary. Lindsey gets paged to come pick up her unruly children. Once Drew is released, he runs to the candy aisle and steals 3 gummy sharks. Lindsey sweeps his mouth with her finger to clear it of the stolen merchandise and informs the Giant Eagle worker of the theft while Drew throws a fit on the floor screaming for everyone to turn and look. Then Drew gets up and runs out of the store. Lindsey leaves the other two to chase down the sprinting 3 year old, drags him back into the store, kicking and screaming, to join Nate who has started his own screaming chorus of the popular toddler anthem, "I Want, I Want, Gimme, Gimme, Why, AAAAAAAHHHHHH." She checks out and takes them to the car. Zachary begins to cry because not only did he not get a free cookie but he is not allowed to watch TV as a consequence for his behavior toward that adult worker. So she has achieved the "Crying Tifecta." All 3 losing their minds. It was at this point I had conveniently called her to ask for a recipe for a co-worker. I have perfect timing.
I came home and luckily avoided the trio of banshees because they were all down for their afternoon naps. Lindsey was able to join her mom to get her nails done as a stress reliever from this morning's chaos. I eat lunch and lay down on the couch to take a short power nap. I have 40 minutes until Zachary comes out of his room and no joke, 5 minutes after I close my eyes, Drew crys out. I run up, give him the Ipod touch to play a game, and I go back to lie down, 35 minutes left. At 5 more minutes, Zachary comes out and says he is so hungry he cant stand it. I tell him to stand it and get back in his room. 30 minutes left. I fall asleep. At 25 minutes left, Drew calls out again cause he is bored. I get him out and put him in Zachary's room. 25 minutes left. I fall asleep. Zachary opens his door. I tell him to shut it and if he opens again, I am adding time to his quiet time or to him, sentence. 15 minutes left. The door opens again. Now Drew is checking on the puppy. I tell him to wait. 10 minutes left. At 5 minutes and every minute after I hear loudly from their room, "5 more minutes. 4 more minutes. 3 more minutes..." So much for the power nap.
Lindsey comes home from the nail appointment and everyone is up and crazy. I tell her we are going to the store. She says "I hope not Target or Toys R Us 3 days before Christmas." And I say, "yes, because you know why? Because it is not here!" We run some errands and go to a nice dinner at Olive Garden. No mishaps or horseplay like the Mexican restaurant. The kids are great but Lindsey is not feeling too well.
We go to CVS to pick some medicine and while there Lindsey runs to the Minute Clinic to get checked out and I wait in the car with the boys. I leave the TV running in the car and the lights on. Drew also likes to have his overhead light on even though I've told him to turn it off while I am driving and while parked cause it could drain the battery. Lindsey is taking longer than expected at the Minute Clinic so I tell her we will still wait cause the boys are content with the TV in the van. But I notice the check engine light and oil light start coming on. Then the lights flicker. So I try to turn the car on and like "Up on the Housetop," click, click, click. But instead of "down the chimney with old St. Nick," the car wont start. To which Zachary immediately yells, "DREW!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR!!!" Now usually he is to blame for almost everything, but not this time. The alternator broke. So here we sit in the parking lot, stranded, 3 days before Christmas, with no TV. Well, it comes on for 10 seconds then shuts off, giving Nate a 1 second delay to begin screaming about it. And to top it all off, Zachary gets the farts. Now our windows have all steamed up as Zachary hot boxes the van while we wait for Lindsey's parents to show for a ride back home. The van will now need to be towed and get a new alternator 2 days before Christmas. When we load the kids in the back of my mother-in-law's small sedan in the rain, Zachary gets caught on Nate's left leg which we think he broke on Saturday. (the x-ray was negative, but he still wont weight bear and has been crawling around everywhere.) So as Nate cries so hard he cant make a sound, Lindsey picks him up to cradle him. By the way, she also just found out she has a double ear infection. Sing with me now, "Its the most wonderful time of the year!"
I am not writing this blog for sympathy but for acknowledgement of "Really??!!" I mean, 3 days before Christmas? I can guarantee you this was not the kind of White Christmas Bing Crosby was dreaming of. More like a broken leg, double ear infection, broken alternator, Drew screaming, Zachary blaming, Nate Crying, Dutch Oven Christmas.
Looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with an x-ray technician and a car repair man,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Monday, November 21, 2011
Why I am becoming more of a cat person.
We have a puppy named Joey. Please click here to meet him. He has been wonderful. So cuddly and so loyal. He never wants to leave your side and must always be touching you wherever you go. But he is still a puppy. This is what I have been through in the last 24 hours.
Last night, I was changing Nate's horrendous, poopy diaper. I can't even tell you how bad it smelled. Its the kind of smell that the neighbors call the police to report a possible dead body in our house. All air traffic was diverted 100 miles from our house making it a no-fly zone. It killed more foliage than winter's first frost. Oscar the Grouch was offended by the stench. It was bad. It was the kind of diaper that you debate to either wipe him a 100 times with wipes, toss him directly in the bath or close up the diaper, call mom and pretend you didn't even know he pooped while you busy yourself with the other kids, leaving her to deal with it. (Some call that passing the buck, I call it smart parenting.) I decided to wipe and I used half a package of wipes to clean him up. Once finished he ran away naked and when that happens he has a tendency to pee whenever he feels a cool breeze, no matter where he is standing at the time. So I jump up, chase after him and get him into the tub, forgetting that I left the nasty diaper on the floor. Well after the short bath, I round the corner to get their clothes when I notice the diaper is not where I left it. I panic cause I already know what happened. And sure enough on the steps, I find my sweet puppy face-deep, enjoying a delicious poop snack. I yell at him, to which he looks up at me and his beard has changed from bright white to dark brown and wet. I luckily grab him before he can escape and throw him into his cage to deal with him later. After the kids go down, my wife and I give him a full body bath focusing on his poop-stache until he is clean.
We head downstairs and settle in to looking up Christmas ideas when I casually ask if Joey has gone out recently. Upon which I hear my wife gasp and say "NO!" I look up and he is standing on our family room chair and peeing down the front of it! She throws him off, grabs the cushion and heads for the sink while I throw him outside and get paper towels. At this point in the night, if I had previously been exposed to gamma radiation, I would be turning green and ripping off my shirt as I turned into the Hulk because of my anger. Parenting Fact #20: The day is not complete unless you have used Resolve at least once. Later, when my anger had subsided, I realized all he wanted to do was to show us how he could make a beautiful golden waterfall down the front of our furniture. How could I fault him for that?
The next morning, I am awoken to the sound of puppy dry heaves, puppy puking and bath water running, in that order. Apparently my wife who was awake saw that Joey started dry heaving, so in the dark she grabbed him and threw him into our bath tub where he did vomit. Well she proceeded to turn the water on to rinse it down not realizing in the dark that it was actually large chunks of hair and vomit, which in turn dissipated over the entire tub and clogged the drain! We believe this vomit episode came from him licking our other dog, who is a golden retriever with long hair, and gave him a hairball.
And then tonight, I let him outside to go potty. He has a leash attached to a sky hook in our backyard so he wont run away and we don't have to put up a fence, invisible or visible. It works great except he likes to run around the tree its attached to causing him to get tangled around the tree causing me to have to go out and unwind him from around the tree. He has not done this in awhile leading me to believe he grew out of it but I guess not. I go out to unravel him as he runs back around the tree reversing everything I am trying to do. When he finally gets free, he runs to the house, I chase after him and I step in dog poop....in my bare feet. And as I am washing the dog poop from in between my toes in the puke tub I realize, I am becoming a cat person.
Off to bathe myself in Clorox...again,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Last night, I was changing Nate's horrendous, poopy diaper. I can't even tell you how bad it smelled. Its the kind of smell that the neighbors call the police to report a possible dead body in our house. All air traffic was diverted 100 miles from our house making it a no-fly zone. It killed more foliage than winter's first frost. Oscar the Grouch was offended by the stench. It was bad. It was the kind of diaper that you debate to either wipe him a 100 times with wipes, toss him directly in the bath or close up the diaper, call mom and pretend you didn't even know he pooped while you busy yourself with the other kids, leaving her to deal with it. (Some call that passing the buck, I call it smart parenting.) I decided to wipe and I used half a package of wipes to clean him up. Once finished he ran away naked and when that happens he has a tendency to pee whenever he feels a cool breeze, no matter where he is standing at the time. So I jump up, chase after him and get him into the tub, forgetting that I left the nasty diaper on the floor. Well after the short bath, I round the corner to get their clothes when I notice the diaper is not where I left it. I panic cause I already know what happened. And sure enough on the steps, I find my sweet puppy face-deep, enjoying a delicious poop snack. I yell at him, to which he looks up at me and his beard has changed from bright white to dark brown and wet. I luckily grab him before he can escape and throw him into his cage to deal with him later. After the kids go down, my wife and I give him a full body bath focusing on his poop-stache until he is clean.
We head downstairs and settle in to looking up Christmas ideas when I casually ask if Joey has gone out recently. Upon which I hear my wife gasp and say "NO!" I look up and he is standing on our family room chair and peeing down the front of it! She throws him off, grabs the cushion and heads for the sink while I throw him outside and get paper towels. At this point in the night, if I had previously been exposed to gamma radiation, I would be turning green and ripping off my shirt as I turned into the Hulk because of my anger. Parenting Fact #20: The day is not complete unless you have used Resolve at least once. Later, when my anger had subsided, I realized all he wanted to do was to show us how he could make a beautiful golden waterfall down the front of our furniture. How could I fault him for that?
The next morning, I am awoken to the sound of puppy dry heaves, puppy puking and bath water running, in that order. Apparently my wife who was awake saw that Joey started dry heaving, so in the dark she grabbed him and threw him into our bath tub where he did vomit. Well she proceeded to turn the water on to rinse it down not realizing in the dark that it was actually large chunks of hair and vomit, which in turn dissipated over the entire tub and clogged the drain! We believe this vomit episode came from him licking our other dog, who is a golden retriever with long hair, and gave him a hairball.
And then tonight, I let him outside to go potty. He has a leash attached to a sky hook in our backyard so he wont run away and we don't have to put up a fence, invisible or visible. It works great except he likes to run around the tree its attached to causing him to get tangled around the tree causing me to have to go out and unwind him from around the tree. He has not done this in awhile leading me to believe he grew out of it but I guess not. I go out to unravel him as he runs back around the tree reversing everything I am trying to do. When he finally gets free, he runs to the house, I chase after him and I step in dog poop....in my bare feet. And as I am washing the dog poop from in between my toes in the puke tub I realize, I am becoming a cat person.
Off to bathe myself in Clorox...again,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Portrait of a Stay-At-Home Mom's Uniform
Disclaimer: I have the highest respect for stay-at-home moms or SAHMs (as I will refer to them now.) Besides 'Deadliest Catch' crab fisherman and Bachelor contestant screener, they have one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Their job is 24/7 except for the occasional 'girls night out' and even then, they get 4-5 calls from their inept husbands asking where to find the diapers or the third child. So if you are a SAHM please don't take offense to this blog but know that I understand the high demands of this job keep you from the luxuries of life like showering and brushing your teeth everyday. And I also want to give a shout out to my wife who is able to put herself out there. She is an amazing wife and mother and I love her dearly especially for allowing this picture and blog.
1. Disheveled Hair - The standard hair style of the stay-at-home mom is the loose, greasy pony tail with wispies in the front and half of it falling out. The loose ponytail is the best hair style to put up quick because one kid is punching the other while the third is walking around with the toilet plunger. Its also the best style used to hide the roots, split-ends and inevitable grey hair that you know is coming too soon.
2. Glasses - Because you ain't got no time for contacts. What is easier: moving your glasses from the top of your head to your eyes or searching for an hour through a laundry basket of random toys for a contact because your 3 year old hit you in the face with a pillow knocking it out.
3. The Obligatory Thumbs Up - Because when all is going wrong, and it will go wrong, you must still put on the happy face and thumbs up to show that all is still OK. Because if you lose it, the children will lose it more. And you must not show weakness. They can smell weakness and devour it.
4. The Baggy, Black Sweatshirt - One of the 3 standards of every SAHM's uniform. It must be baggy because no mom wants to wear something tight or uncomfortable. When the child grabs onto the baggy sweatshirt, you need the ability to slip it off and run away before they even know you are gone. And it must be black to hide all the stains you will acquire during the day. (not 'might' acquire but 'will' acquire.) If you wore a white sweatshirt you would look like a messy painter or bad chef, more than a mom. (if you look close enough at the picture, you will see the stains.)
5. The Baggy, Black Stretch Pants - The 2nd standard of the SAHM uniform. Baggy and black for all of the same reasons for the sweatshirt. Another reason is that you can wear them for multiple days in a row before smell or guilt causes you to wash them. They are the most versatile item in a SAHM's wardrobe because you can sleep in them, wake up, keep them on through church, wear them to the gym, take a shower and put them back on to lounge in them at home, go out with the girls at night and then go back to bed with them on, ready to go for the next day. My wife informed me that she has officially lost count of when these were last washed.
6. Socks - unknown of when last changed but surprisingly matching. The typical sock pair of the SAHM needs to be one long, white tube sock and one yellow anklet with holes in the toes.
7. Dog at the feet - If it is not a child, there is always a dog at your feet. They especially like to be around your feet in the kitchen when you are carrying a heavy pot of boiling water or a giant serving platter full of 'time-consuming' appetizers for that dinner party your husband signed you up for bringing appetizers but forgot to mention until that day. And yet the dog is never around when you are 15 minutes late to said dinner party and you need to let them out before you go.
8. Attached child at the hip (not shown) - The 3rd standard of every SAHM's uniform. Every mom has at least one child touching them at all times. Either carrying the baby around cause its easier to carry than to repeatedly pull them off the kitchen table or the toddlers who want something to eat for breakfast, who could easily get cereal for themselves but once they start looking, they grab hot dogs or chips and you think, "Well, hot dogs are protein and from a pig just like bacon and chips were once potatoes and they make hash browns out of potatoes so hot dogs and chips sounds like a great breakfast and I want to avoid the fight and whining that would ensue once I take it away and its only 8:00 and I have been up for 3 hours already because the 3 year old needed help in the bathroom at 5 in the morning and refused to go back to sleep and was too loud so he woke up the other 2 kids, so now my day begins at 5:00 a.m. and my husband isn't even awake yet who starts work at 9:00 so now I will be pulling a double shift today when he gets home from work at 6 and yet I will still have to do the bedtime routine because 'He will be tired from a long day at work' and then after all the kids are down and it is finally 'my time'..... he wants sex. So hot dogs and chips for breakfast are just fine by me."
So if you are out in public and you see a SAHM, please do not judge. You now know the reason for the black sweat suit combo, frizzy hair, and screaming child. Tell her "thank you for all you do." They are the most under-appreciated employee out there. And she probably wouldn't mind the adult interaction either. A conversation not about Dora, poop, hunger pains, sybling unfairness, or general whining would be a welcome treat to any SAHM.
Thank you stay-at-home moms. Wear what ever you want,
The Joyful and Tired Dad.
1. Disheveled Hair - The standard hair style of the stay-at-home mom is the loose, greasy pony tail with wispies in the front and half of it falling out. The loose ponytail is the best hair style to put up quick because one kid is punching the other while the third is walking around with the toilet plunger. Its also the best style used to hide the roots, split-ends and inevitable grey hair that you know is coming too soon.
2. Glasses - Because you ain't got no time for contacts. What is easier: moving your glasses from the top of your head to your eyes or searching for an hour through a laundry basket of random toys for a contact because your 3 year old hit you in the face with a pillow knocking it out.
3. The Obligatory Thumbs Up - Because when all is going wrong, and it will go wrong, you must still put on the happy face and thumbs up to show that all is still OK. Because if you lose it, the children will lose it more. And you must not show weakness. They can smell weakness and devour it.
4. The Baggy, Black Sweatshirt - One of the 3 standards of every SAHM's uniform. It must be baggy because no mom wants to wear something tight or uncomfortable. When the child grabs onto the baggy sweatshirt, you need the ability to slip it off and run away before they even know you are gone. And it must be black to hide all the stains you will acquire during the day. (not 'might' acquire but 'will' acquire.) If you wore a white sweatshirt you would look like a messy painter or bad chef, more than a mom. (if you look close enough at the picture, you will see the stains.)
5. The Baggy, Black Stretch Pants - The 2nd standard of the SAHM uniform. Baggy and black for all of the same reasons for the sweatshirt. Another reason is that you can wear them for multiple days in a row before smell or guilt causes you to wash them. They are the most versatile item in a SAHM's wardrobe because you can sleep in them, wake up, keep them on through church, wear them to the gym, take a shower and put them back on to lounge in them at home, go out with the girls at night and then go back to bed with them on, ready to go for the next day. My wife informed me that she has officially lost count of when these were last washed.
6. Socks - unknown of when last changed but surprisingly matching. The typical sock pair of the SAHM needs to be one long, white tube sock and one yellow anklet with holes in the toes.
7. Dog at the feet - If it is not a child, there is always a dog at your feet. They especially like to be around your feet in the kitchen when you are carrying a heavy pot of boiling water or a giant serving platter full of 'time-consuming' appetizers for that dinner party your husband signed you up for bringing appetizers but forgot to mention until that day. And yet the dog is never around when you are 15 minutes late to said dinner party and you need to let them out before you go.
8. Attached child at the hip (not shown) - The 3rd standard of every SAHM's uniform. Every mom has at least one child touching them at all times. Either carrying the baby around cause its easier to carry than to repeatedly pull them off the kitchen table or the toddlers who want something to eat for breakfast, who could easily get cereal for themselves but once they start looking, they grab hot dogs or chips and you think, "Well, hot dogs are protein and from a pig just like bacon and chips were once potatoes and they make hash browns out of potatoes so hot dogs and chips sounds like a great breakfast and I want to avoid the fight and whining that would ensue once I take it away and its only 8:00 and I have been up for 3 hours already because the 3 year old needed help in the bathroom at 5 in the morning and refused to go back to sleep and was too loud so he woke up the other 2 kids, so now my day begins at 5:00 a.m. and my husband isn't even awake yet who starts work at 9:00 so now I will be pulling a double shift today when he gets home from work at 6 and yet I will still have to do the bedtime routine because 'He will be tired from a long day at work' and then after all the kids are down and it is finally 'my time'..... he wants sex. So hot dogs and chips for breakfast are just fine by me."
So if you are out in public and you see a SAHM, please do not judge. You now know the reason for the black sweat suit combo, frizzy hair, and screaming child. Tell her "thank you for all you do." They are the most under-appreciated employee out there. And she probably wouldn't mind the adult interaction either. A conversation not about Dora, poop, hunger pains, sybling unfairness, or general whining would be a welcome treat to any SAHM.
Thank you stay-at-home moms. Wear what ever you want,
The Joyful and Tired Dad.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition
Please respond to the questions who you think performed the actions at Saturday's wedding using the following answer key:
A: Zachary
B: Drew
C: Nate
D: All of the above
E: None of the above
1): Didn't realize it was a wedding until 15 minutes into the ceremony because he was to busy trying to sit by his cousins to look up
2): During the wedding, asked, "How old is Jesus?" And when he received the answer of "around 2000 years old", then responded, "That's a lot of Christmases!"
3): During the quiet wedding processional, when finally completing the children's maze on the bulletin shouted, "Booyah!"
4): Did not last 5 minutes into the ceremony until had to be taken into the parlor.
5): Lasted the whole ceremony until the last 10 minutes when the bride and groom were releasing rows, saw his grandpa 2 rows up and decided to crawl under the pews but was restrained, hanging by his one arm by his embarrassed father causing him to scream in frustration.
6): Fell asleep on the way to the reception.
7): Walked around during cocktail hour stealing meatballs off other people's plates and drinking other people's coke when they weren't looking.
8): Sat quietly at the table waiting patiently as the wedding party came in, had an engaging conversation with the other people at our table, impressing them with their manners and good behavior, and making their parents so proud of their little angels.
9): Climbed a chair to climb onto a table to stand on said table to grab a handful of mints and shove them in their mouth before mom could reach him.
10): Repeatedly refilled their own glass with self-serve Sprite equaling around 5 glasses before stopped by his all-too trusting father with a self serve Sprite station.
11): Screamed in his highchair so all in a 1000 foot radius could hear until let down to then run around screaming for all to see and hear in a 1000 foot radius.
12): When dinner came, decided to forgo the silverware and use both hands to shovel in the buttered noodles, again impressing the fellow table guests.
13): At dinner, realized that slapping your brothers is funny.
14): When dancing began, never left the dance floor.
15:) Favorite dance move was sliding across the dance floor like sliding into home plate.
16:) Favorite dance move was the crotch punch and the butt hole poke.
17): When dancing began, used the distraction to get into tree lights, DJ's disco lights, climb under tables, steal candy off other people's tables, punch his Uncle in the butt, and sometimes dance.
18): Climbed under a table with his cousin almost knocking over an entire tray full of plates, missing it by 2 inches, but still giving his dad a heart attack.
19): When the candy table was revealed, did not touch a single piece of candy because candy is bad for you and only chose to eat healthy food like okra and bran.
20): As the night continued on into the night and the kids started getting tired, their fatigue showed in each boy by:
1): revving up and becoming more hyper
2): started screaming more
3): becoming more romantic
21): Taken to the ladies room and when told not to touch the feminine hygiene trash can with his hands, rubbed his head on it.
22): Stayed up 4 hours past their bed time and still woke up at 7 in the morning.
Answer key:
1 - A
2 - A
3 - B
4 - C
5 - B
6 - C
7 - B
8 - E
9 - B
10 - B
11 - C
12 - B
13 - C
14 - D
15 - A
16 - B or C
17 - B
18 - B
19 - E
20 - 1: B 2: C 3: A (he kept hugging and laying on his cousin)
21 - B
22 - D
Thank you for taking the Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition. If you scored above 90%, you get an A and you get to take them to the next wedding. Congratulations!
The Joyful and Tired Dad
A: Zachary
B: Drew
C: Nate
D: All of the above
E: None of the above
1): Didn't realize it was a wedding until 15 minutes into the ceremony because he was to busy trying to sit by his cousins to look up
2): During the wedding, asked, "How old is Jesus?" And when he received the answer of "around 2000 years old", then responded, "That's a lot of Christmases!"
3): During the quiet wedding processional, when finally completing the children's maze on the bulletin shouted, "Booyah!"
4): Did not last 5 minutes into the ceremony until had to be taken into the parlor.
5): Lasted the whole ceremony until the last 10 minutes when the bride and groom were releasing rows, saw his grandpa 2 rows up and decided to crawl under the pews but was restrained, hanging by his one arm by his embarrassed father causing him to scream in frustration.
6): Fell asleep on the way to the reception.
7): Walked around during cocktail hour stealing meatballs off other people's plates and drinking other people's coke when they weren't looking.
8): Sat quietly at the table waiting patiently as the wedding party came in, had an engaging conversation with the other people at our table, impressing them with their manners and good behavior, and making their parents so proud of their little angels.
9): Climbed a chair to climb onto a table to stand on said table to grab a handful of mints and shove them in their mouth before mom could reach him.
10): Repeatedly refilled their own glass with self-serve Sprite equaling around 5 glasses before stopped by his all-too trusting father with a self serve Sprite station.
11): Screamed in his highchair so all in a 1000 foot radius could hear until let down to then run around screaming for all to see and hear in a 1000 foot radius.
12): When dinner came, decided to forgo the silverware and use both hands to shovel in the buttered noodles, again impressing the fellow table guests.
13): At dinner, realized that slapping your brothers is funny.
14): When dancing began, never left the dance floor.
15:) Favorite dance move was sliding across the dance floor like sliding into home plate.
16:) Favorite dance move was the crotch punch and the butt hole poke.
17): When dancing began, used the distraction to get into tree lights, DJ's disco lights, climb under tables, steal candy off other people's tables, punch his Uncle in the butt, and sometimes dance.
18): Climbed under a table with his cousin almost knocking over an entire tray full of plates, missing it by 2 inches, but still giving his dad a heart attack.
19): When the candy table was revealed, did not touch a single piece of candy because candy is bad for you and only chose to eat healthy food like okra and bran.
20): As the night continued on into the night and the kids started getting tired, their fatigue showed in each boy by:
1): revving up and becoming more hyper
2): started screaming more
3): becoming more romantic
21): Taken to the ladies room and when told not to touch the feminine hygiene trash can with his hands, rubbed his head on it.
22): Stayed up 4 hours past their bed time and still woke up at 7 in the morning.
Answer key:
1 - A
2 - A
3 - B
4 - C
5 - B
6 - C
7 - B
8 - E
9 - B
10 - B
11 - C
12 - B
13 - C
14 - D
15 - A
16 - B or C
17 - B
18 - B
19 - E
20 - 1: B 2: C 3: A (he kept hugging and laying on his cousin)
21 - B
22 - D
Thank you for taking the Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition. If you scored above 90%, you get an A and you get to take them to the next wedding. Congratulations!
The Joyful and Tired Dad
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