Sunday, September 18, 2011

Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition

Please respond to the questions who you think performed the actions at Saturday's wedding using the following answer key:
A: Zachary
B: Drew
C: Nate
D: All of the above
E: None of the above

1): Didn't realize it was a wedding until 15 minutes into the ceremony because he was to busy trying to sit by his cousins to look up

2): During the wedding, asked, "How old is Jesus?" And when he received the answer of "around 2000 years old", then responded, "That's a lot of Christmases!"

3): During the quiet wedding processional, when finally completing the children's maze on the bulletin shouted, "Booyah!"

4): Did not last 5 minutes into the ceremony until had to be taken into the parlor.

5): Lasted the whole ceremony until the last 10 minutes when the bride and groom were releasing rows, saw his grandpa 2 rows up and decided to crawl under the pews but was restrained, hanging by his one arm by his embarrassed father causing him to scream in frustration.

6): Fell asleep on the way to the reception.

7): Walked around during cocktail hour stealing meatballs off other people's plates and drinking other people's coke when they weren't looking.

8): Sat quietly at the table waiting patiently as the wedding party came in, had an engaging conversation with the other people at our table, impressing them with their manners and good behavior, and making their parents so proud of their little angels.

9): Climbed a chair to climb onto a table to stand on said table to grab a handful of mints and shove them in their mouth before mom could reach him.

10): Repeatedly refilled their own glass with self-serve Sprite equaling around 5 glasses before stopped by his all-too trusting father with a self serve Sprite station.

11): Screamed in his highchair so all in a 1000 foot radius could hear until let down to then run around screaming for all to see and hear in a 1000 foot radius.

12): When dinner came, decided to forgo the silverware and use both hands to shovel in the buttered noodles, again impressing the fellow table guests.

13): At dinner, realized that slapping your brothers is funny.

14): When dancing began, never left the dance floor.

15:) Favorite dance move was sliding across the dance floor like sliding into home plate.

16:) Favorite dance move was the crotch punch and the butt hole poke.

17): When dancing began, used the distraction to get into tree lights, DJ's disco lights, climb under tables, steal candy off other people's tables, punch his Uncle in the butt, and sometimes dance.

18): Climbed under a table with his cousin almost knocking over an entire tray full of plates, missing it by 2 inches, but still giving his dad a heart attack.

19): When the candy table was revealed, did not touch a single piece of candy because candy is bad for you and only chose to eat healthy food like okra and bran.

20): As the night continued on into the night and the kids started getting tired, their fatigue showed in each boy by:
1): revving up and becoming more hyper
2): started screaming more
3): becoming more romantic

21): Taken to the ladies room and when told not to touch the feminine hygiene trash can with his hands, rubbed his head on it.

22): Stayed up 4 hours past their bed time and still woke up at 7 in the morning.

Answer key:
1 - A
2 - A
3 - B
4 - C
5 - B
6 - C
7 - B
8 - E
9 - B
10 - B
11 - C
12 - B
13 - C
14 - D
15 - A
16 - B or C
17 - B
18 - B
19 - E
20 - 1: B 2: C 3: A (he kept hugging and laying on his cousin)
21 - B
22 - D

Thank you for taking the Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition. If you scored above 90%, you get an A and you get to take them to the next wedding. Congratulations!

The Joyful and Tired Dad

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Like Hansel and Gretel without the Cannibalism

Do you have a relative, most likely a grandma, whose house you love to go visit because there are tons and tons of food and candy and sweets readily available to gorge yourself on? Well that is my parent's house. If you were to look into my mom's pantry at any given moment you would find at least: 8 boxes of different cereal, 5 types of chocolate candy bars, 7 bags of chips, and 3-4 store bought cookie packages. And in the freezer/fridge: 10 varieties of pop, refridgerated candy bars, frozen pizza, 5 bags of frozen homemade cookies, ice cream, chocolate and caramel fudge sauce, and some kind of homemade cake or pie. But these are not generic food products like Yammy Cola or Bob's funtime cookies. We are talking Doritos, Oreos, Mountain Dew, Fritos, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Heath bars, M&Ms, etc. My mom is very brand loyal. Except when it comes to ice cream. You would think she would have Ben and Jerrys or Homemade or even Breyers. But its always Kroger Brand 'Private Selection' ice cream. My mom is the true modern day Old Woman from the Hansel and Gretel story without the need to eat children and there were too many code violations when using gingerbread rather than drywall. But I digress.

You know this if you have a mom or grandma with this kind of spread in their house, but everytime we go over there, after saying hello, everyone goes into the kitchen and opens the pantry or fridge. And no one is immune to it. I have seen everyone of my syblings and their spouses and their children do it when coming to my parent's house. But the thing is, you go even if you are not hungry. We went over there today and as soon as we walked in the house, my wife and I both unaware went to the pantry and started pulling stuff out to eat. It was 10:30 and I ate breakfast at 9:30. I wasn't hungry but it doesn't matter. Its the "Pull of the Pantry." Like some kind of unnatural tractor beam that sucks you in and makes you gorge yourself on food you dont even want but you eat because its there. I walked in today (remember 1 hour after breakfast) and I was eating Doritos, chocolate wafer cookies, Mountain Dew, and homemade Rolo cookies. I stopped and asked myself 'why am I eating when I am not hungry?' to which my stomach replied, "well you just had a dorito chip so lets finish with something sweet and we will be finished." So I ate a cookie. But the Dortio bag was still out so I had another chip. Then again my stomach reminded me I needed to finish with something sweet, so another cookie later I was looking for more doritos to keep up this pattern. You would think my mind would be screaming at me to stop or suffer the repercussions but while my mouth was busy chewing and my stomach was busying growing, my mind was thinking, "so lunch is in an hour, what are we going to have for desert?" Its a sickness. And after the binge-fest, while talking with my wife I come to a stunning realization: I grew up in this house, why am I not 500 pounds? Its not like we didnt have all this food growing up. I guess when its always around you can pace yourself but when you come to visit and its not what you are used to at your own house, it turns into an 'all you can eat' contest with yourself. And let me tell you, you always win...or lose, depending what the scale says after a visit.

But you can always justify indulging in the guilt-inducing smorgasborg of crap by one statement that has been used to justify binge eating by cruise goers for years: "Hey, its vacation!"

The Joyful and Tired Dad