We have a puppy named Joey. Please click here to meet him. He has been wonderful. So cuddly and so loyal. He never wants to leave your side and must always be touching you wherever you go. But he is still a puppy. This is what I have been through in the last 24 hours.
Last night, I was changing Nate's horrendous, poopy diaper. I can't even tell you how bad it smelled. Its the kind of smell that the neighbors call the police to report a possible dead body in our house. All air traffic was diverted 100 miles from our house making it a no-fly zone. It killed more foliage than winter's first frost. Oscar the Grouch was offended by the stench. It was bad. It was the kind of diaper that you debate to either wipe him a 100 times with wipes, toss him directly in the bath or close up the diaper, call mom and pretend you didn't even know he pooped while you busy yourself with the other kids, leaving her to deal with it. (Some call that passing the buck, I call it smart parenting.) I decided to wipe and I used half a package of wipes to clean him up. Once finished he ran away naked and when that happens he has a tendency to pee whenever he feels a cool breeze, no matter where he is standing at the time. So I jump up, chase after him and get him into the tub, forgetting that I left the nasty diaper on the floor. Well after the short bath, I round the corner to get their clothes when I notice the diaper is not where I left it. I panic cause I already know what happened. And sure enough on the steps, I find my sweet puppy face-deep, enjoying a delicious poop snack. I yell at him, to which he looks up at me and his beard has changed from bright white to dark brown and wet. I luckily grab him before he can escape and throw him into his cage to deal with him later. After the kids go down, my wife and I give him a full body bath focusing on his poop-stache until he is clean.
We head downstairs and settle in to looking up Christmas ideas when I casually ask if Joey has gone out recently. Upon which I hear my wife gasp and say "NO!" I look up and he is standing on our family room chair and peeing down the front of it! She throws him off, grabs the cushion and heads for the sink while I throw him outside and get paper towels. At this point in the night, if I had previously been exposed to gamma radiation, I would be turning green and ripping off my shirt as I turned into the Hulk because of my anger. Parenting Fact #20: The day is not complete unless you have used Resolve at least once. Later, when my anger had subsided, I realized all he wanted to do was to show us how he could make a beautiful golden waterfall down the front of our furniture. How could I fault him for that?
The next morning, I am awoken to the sound of puppy dry heaves, puppy puking and bath water running, in that order. Apparently my wife who was awake saw that Joey started dry heaving, so in the dark she grabbed him and threw him into our bath tub where he did vomit. Well she proceeded to turn the water on to rinse it down not realizing in the dark that it was actually large chunks of hair and vomit, which in turn dissipated over the entire tub and clogged the drain! We believe this vomit episode came from him licking our other dog, who is a golden retriever with long hair, and gave him a hairball.
And then tonight, I let him outside to go potty. He has a leash attached to a sky hook in our backyard so he wont run away and we don't have to put up a fence, invisible or visible. It works great except he likes to run around the tree its attached to causing him to get tangled around the tree causing me to have to go out and unwind him from around the tree. He has not done this in awhile leading me to believe he grew out of it but I guess not. I go out to unravel him as he runs back around the tree reversing everything I am trying to do. When he finally gets free, he runs to the house, I chase after him and I step in dog poop....in my bare feet. And as I am washing the dog poop from in between my toes in the puke tub I realize, I am becoming a cat person.
Off to bathe myself in Clorox...again,
The Joyful and Tired Dad