We are halfway through the summer and like most families, we have lived at the pool this summer. I made some observations today at the pool that I would like to share with you.
I came home from work today and my wife gave me the "I'm done with children today" look. You know the one. The look that means you'd better do something about it because I am about to transfer my wrath from them to you, so for your sake, you'd better save yourself and fix it. So in the name of self preservation, I gallantly stated I would take the children out of the house and take them to the pool leaving her with a couple hours alone. I know, I'm a hero. So I took the kids and we went to the store first to pick up some chips and grapes for dinner at the pool. Chips so they will eat something and grapes so I don't feel guilty about only giving them chips for dinner. On our way out, I'm checking out and Nate announces that he has to pee. So I take them all in the bathroom and Nate refuses to use one of the toilets cause there is already pee in it. He uses the other and takes all his clothes off. I then realize he has decided to poop instead because he is climbing all over the public toilet like a set of monkey bars, naked. He then proceeds to change his mind again, and only pees. On the way out, he is very adamant about washing his hands and being clean which is understandable. What I don't understand is after he washes his hands he then proceeds to touch everything he sees on the way out to our car including every vending machine, ice machine, grocery cart, and dirty car in the parking lot. I believe a child is only clean 30 seconds after a bath or washing his hands because inevitably they will touch something they are not supposed to that is most likely covered in bacteria or feces. Purell has made a fortune on this fact.
Well we go to the YMCA indoor pool and the kids grab their goggles and jump in, while I carry in the stuff like a pack mule with 2 bags, towels, puddle jumper, and clothes they have stripped off on the way to the water. The older 2 go off on their own and I stay with Nate the 3 year old. My plan is to stay here as long as we can to give mommy enough time to cool down, so when I return, she is not mad at me. And its a time killer till bed time. I thought we would swim for an hour, then eat some dinner, then swim for another couple hours till bedtime. So Nate and I are swimming around, and 15 minutes later Nate announces, "I'm hungry. I want dinner." So much for 1 hour of swimming. So when I tell him to wait, the whining begins. Luckily we were close to rest time and everyone had to get out. So we ate dinner at that time which took up the 10 minute rest time. We get back in and swim around more when I see Nate get out on the side of the pool and pull out his penis. I run up to him and stop him from peeing on the side of the pool in front of a family. I tell him you need to pee in the pool like mommy but he apparently can only pee in the pool or on the side of the pool. So I take him to pee in the bathroom and while peeing in the toilet he turns around to tell me something about the shower that is behind him, peeing on everything but the toilet. But he was in his bathing suit so it was OK. And it wasn't our bathroom. So we go back to pool and on our way back, I see Drew standing under the water spout with his pants pulled down, letting the spout hit his bare butt. I stop him and tell him to pull his pants up while a mom who saw the whole thing is dying laughing. But the best part is as I am having a "keep your pants up in public" talk...again, I turn around to see Nate with his pants around his knees doing the exact same thing Drew was doing. This is now the second time Nate has dropped trough. He might as well just go skinny dipping at this point. It seems like at a pool, "the monkey see monkey do" way of thinking is a must. I am just glad the 8 year old did not see this happen cause you know he would be the third person in line to try the water spout enema trick. But after I give the younger 2 a good talking to, I see Zachary, the 8 year old, frog jumping the floor fountains and delaying a little too long which looks like he was giving himself a nice bidet washing. I have no idea why my kids are the ones that enjoy washing their butts at the public pool. But what made me laugh was the 6 year old girl who was right behind Zachary trying out the bidet fountains. Another example of "Monkey see, monkey wash his butt in public."
After this we had no more incidents with dropping trough or washing their nether regions, and we had fun. Nate only made 4 trips to the bathroom. The other funny thing that happened was Nate wanted to wash his goggles, so he got out of the pool, opened a bottle of water and poured that water into them. When I told him to just use the pool water, he got back into the pool and proceeded to drink pool water out of his goggles.
So next time you are at a pool and you see boys drop their suits or stay a little too long over the fountains, please give the Dad a break. At least he got them out of the house and avoided Mom's wrath.
I wonder how tight I can tie those swim suit draw strings,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Things I've said this week.
Thinking back over this week, I realize I say some of the craziest, weirdest things I never thought I would say in my life. But once you add 3 kids, let alone boys into your life, you find yourself capable of saying just about anything. We have all heard of the TV show, "Kids say the Darndest Things." Well they should release a reality show following the typical day of a parent and name it: "Parents say the Darndest Things." But I also realized this show would be the parents saying the same thing, multiple times to each child multiple times. So here are some things I've said just this week alone.
-"Zachary and Drew, please don't pee outside. Go inside to use the bathroom."
-"Nate. I told your brothers to go inside to pee. Please pull your pants up and pee inside. And next time, dont pee in front of the neighbor girls."
-"Nate. Don't lick the baseball."
-"Drew. Don't lick it. I just told Nate not to. Why would you do it too?"
-"Zachary. You are almost 8. You know better not to lick the baseball especially after I told each of your brothers not to do it. Why do you think it would be funny the third time around?"
-"Drew, please put the puppy down." (this has been said 1265 times in this week alone.)
-"Why would you pick her up, Nate, when I just told Drew to put her down?" (while I was saying this, Drew picks the puppy up again.)
-"Please eat your dinner. You can't be done, you haven't eaten anything yet. Oh, your belly is full. No you can not have dessert now, you just said your belly is full. How come there is room for dessert but no room for your entire dinner?"
-"No Drew, I didn't realize I was the worst baseball player you've ever seen. Thanks for your words of encouragement."
-"Zachary, please do your homework. Zachary, did you do your homework? Ok, stop watching TV and go do it. Zachary, focus, do your homework please. Zachary, did you finish it? Oh, haven't started? Please do it now. Zachary, over here. Woohoo, over here. Do your homework. Did you do all of it? OK go finish it then. Oh, forget it."
-"Drew please stop whining. I don't speak Whining, so I don't understand you. You have not said one word to me today in English. It has only been in Whining - the native language of the 5 year old."
-"Nate I am not going to sleep next to you tonight. I need to go wash my eyes."
-"Drew, How much candy have you had tonight? From that whiny 'NO!' I will take that as a lot."
And my personal favorite:
-"Nate that is not a tootsie roll, that is the puppy's poop. Thanks for bringing it to me, now go wash your hands."
Please forward this to any NBC executives you know, I have a show to pitch,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
-"Zachary and Drew, please don't pee outside. Go inside to use the bathroom."
-"Nate. I told your brothers to go inside to pee. Please pull your pants up and pee inside. And next time, dont pee in front of the neighbor girls."
-"Nate. Don't lick the baseball."
-"Drew. Don't lick it. I just told Nate not to. Why would you do it too?"
-"Zachary. You are almost 8. You know better not to lick the baseball especially after I told each of your brothers not to do it. Why do you think it would be funny the third time around?"
-"Drew, please put the puppy down." (this has been said 1265 times in this week alone.)
-"Why would you pick her up, Nate, when I just told Drew to put her down?" (while I was saying this, Drew picks the puppy up again.)
-"Please eat your dinner. You can't be done, you haven't eaten anything yet. Oh, your belly is full. No you can not have dessert now, you just said your belly is full. How come there is room for dessert but no room for your entire dinner?"
-"No Drew, I didn't realize I was the worst baseball player you've ever seen. Thanks for your words of encouragement."
-"Zachary, please do your homework. Zachary, did you do your homework? Ok, stop watching TV and go do it. Zachary, focus, do your homework please. Zachary, did you finish it? Oh, haven't started? Please do it now. Zachary, over here. Woohoo, over here. Do your homework. Did you do all of it? OK go finish it then. Oh, forget it."
-"Drew please stop whining. I don't speak Whining, so I don't understand you. You have not said one word to me today in English. It has only been in Whining - the native language of the 5 year old."
-"Nate I am not going to sleep next to you tonight. I need to go wash my eyes."
-"Drew, How much candy have you had tonight? From that whiny 'NO!' I will take that as a lot."
And my personal favorite:
-"Nate that is not a tootsie roll, that is the puppy's poop. Thanks for bringing it to me, now go wash your hands."
Please forward this to any NBC executives you know, I have a show to pitch,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Friday, February 8, 2013
Merry Christms, Happy New Year, and Happy Valentine's Day Too
Dear Friends and Family,
As we come to a close of another year, so comes the inevitable Christmas letter. So here is my attempt to catch you up on the Allen family in 2012 and not bore you at the same time.
Zachary (age 7) is now a first grader and riding the bus every day. He has more freedom and independence than he has had before, much to our dismay. We constantly remind him he is in first grade not twelfth. He is now getting more involved in extra-curricular activities… and so it begins. He now does cub scouts, Kids wow (a church program), and basketball and last quarter it was flag football. To save on gas, I’ve asked the coaches if he could stay at home and join practices by Skype. So far, no takers.
Drew (age 4) is now in Pre-Kindergarten which is the last year of preschool. He spends most of his time at school with his best friend Ashley and if he had it his way, most of his time out of school too. They are very cute together but worrisome when they began holding hands and talking about marriage (but with no kissing because Ashley said that’s too slobbery.) When I begin to worry about him growing up too fast, he always puts my heart at ease by punching his own butt and trying to work the word “poop” into every song he hears.
Nate (age 3) began preschool this year. As he would say, “I whide da buth to cool cause I watt da key key o ba doo bu teetah taco me.” And as you can tell, he qualified for speech therapy at preschool. He rides the bus to and from school, but is barely able to look out the window because he is a little peanut and his backpack is as big as him. His favorite past time is annoying his brothers and getting away with it because he is too cute and knows it.
Mark continues to work in Westerville as a rehab manager and is the primary bread winner. Lindsey has started babysitting 2 little kids twice a week and contributes to our family finances as primary bagel winner. We continue to grow closer in our marriage and continue to learn how to raise 3 boys with each passing year; loving every minute or yearning for the sweet release of death, depending on the day.
We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New year. (and Happy Valentine's day)
Be blessed,
The Allen's
Friday, August 24, 2012
When it Rains, It Pours
What a ridiculous 24 hours we have had. It all started on as a typical Sunday; church in the morning, nap for the kids in the afternoon for the 2 younger boys and my wife took Zachary to find a Pokemon shirt for his first day of school. Note to parents everywhere: No one sells Pokemon shirts anywhere. Because my wife looked and the closest she could find was adult size Pokemon shirts at Hot Topic. So if you are a 40 year old man living in your parents basement and watch Anime all day and play dungeons and dragons all night, Hot Topic has a shirt for you. Anyway, she was driving home and while driving straight on this road to our house, an SUV stopped at a stop sign pulled out in front of her and hit my Civic she was driving. It was a corner to corner hit but SUV vs Civic, it was more, the SUV "monster-trucked" on top of my Civic slightly bending the SUV's front bumper and totally demolishing the Civic's hood, headlight, front panel and everything on the inside by the engine. Lindsey had some neck and back pain and Zachary had neck burns from the seat belt and a head ache with some back pain as well. The paramedics checked him on scene and released him there. The other driver was not hurt. The Sheriff cited the other driver for failure to yield at a stop sign. So I had my civic towed to a body shop because it was deemed "un-drivable" on scene but the SUV was allowed to drive away and received an invitation to the next Thunder Nationals Monster Truck Rally, "SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, COME MEET THE PINK POWER RANGER! IF YOU'RE NOT THERE YOU'D BETTER BE DEAD AND IF YOU"RE IN JAIL....BREAK OUT!!!"
Anyway, the next day we find out from the adjuster that the insurance company is going to total my car. Now this car was paid off and supposed to last another 5 years being a Honda. So "Hello, car payment!"
That evening after dealing with the insurance company all day, I was in the basement playing with the 2 older boys and Lindsey was upstairs. I did not see the 2 year old for 5 minutes, but when I did, he walked down stairs holding his neck saying his neck hurt. I picked him up and comforted him not thinking too much of it since he walked down the basement steps on his own. But when Lindsey came down he kept complaining of his neck pain and would not stand on his own. When I tried to put him down he really started whimpering and wouldn't put weight on his legs and kept shrugging his shoulders and holding his neck guarding it. So we called the Pediatrician and took him right away for an evaluation. When we got there, he would not pick his head off my chest and wouldn't let the pediatrician touch his neck. Nate then told me at the office that he had fallen down the stairs but Lindsey nor I had seen it happen. So after consulting with another doctor they thought the best course of action was to squad him down to Children's for an X-ray. Squad because they wanted to stabilize his neck for the ride down. Well, back boarding a 2 year old was one of the worst parenting experiences ever. He was screaming, we were crying and trying to console him. But in the midst of the torture, my wife tries to lighten the mood and says "He looks just like Baby Jessica." I laughed later. We got him down to Childrens and the ER staff was wonderful. They took X-rays and thankfully no fractures. He was still in the child neck collar the whole time but at least he was out of the neck brace. When all was calm and we knew we were out of immediate danger, we were able to relax and he was loving the one on one time with both his parents and the hospital TV. The ER doctor told us to keep the neck brace on and consult neurosurgery for a follow-up because after neck trauma he is still at risk for the weak ligaments around the spine to re-injury the neck. So he is to keep the brace on 24/7 even bath and bedtime.
After we were out of the "high risk" woods, my wife and I started talking about these past 24 hours and how expensive 1 day can get. The best thing is that despite all these things, everyone was OK. But I was telling Lindsey, that Childrens is so good to us because our name is on this wing of the hospital because of all the money we have had to pay to them over the past 7 years. I mean we just finished paying Drew off from his birth. He is officially ours now and wont get repo'ed. Although some days I think about re-financing him. And we were at Childrens 8 months ago, when this same neck brace boy had broken his leg at Christmas. So Childrens was very good to us because we pay their salary. That new building at Columbus Children's Hospital...You're welcome. So while we were getting ready to leave, the registration girl comes in a tells us we have a $100 ER visit co-pay. I tell her to add it to our running tab w have Childrens. She told us she could bill us later. Why pay today what you can pay tomorrow, its the American way. So while we are driving home I start thinking of the ER co-pay and the x-ray and ER room charges, I think of the totaling of my car and the new car payment, and the insurance deductible and I start laughing. Well Lindsey looks over at me and her first thought is "He's lost it. It was too much for him and he has finally cracked." She asks me why I am laughing and I tell her, "We are out of gas." To which we both start laughing because what else can you do. We now have one car and one 2 year old in a neck brace for the next 2 weeks. When a friend was asking me about how Nate was injured in the car accident, I had to tell him, "No, those were 2 separate events but the same 24 hours." At least our boys have been wonderful with little Natey and his new "neck shield." There are no superheroes with neck braces he could relate to so we call it his "neck shield" like Captain America...if he broke his neck.
When it rains, It pours. I only wish it would pour money,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
That evening after dealing with the insurance company all day, I was in the basement playing with the 2 older boys and Lindsey was upstairs. I did not see the 2 year old for 5 minutes, but when I did, he walked down stairs holding his neck saying his neck hurt. I picked him up and comforted him not thinking too much of it since he walked down the basement steps on his own. But when Lindsey came down he kept complaining of his neck pain and would not stand on his own. When I tried to put him down he really started whimpering and wouldn't put weight on his legs and kept shrugging his shoulders and holding his neck guarding it. So we called the Pediatrician and took him right away for an evaluation. When we got there, he would not pick his head off my chest and wouldn't let the pediatrician touch his neck. Nate then told me at the office that he had fallen down the stairs but Lindsey nor I had seen it happen. So after consulting with another doctor they thought the best course of action was to squad him down to Children's for an X-ray. Squad because they wanted to stabilize his neck for the ride down. Well, back boarding a 2 year old was one of the worst parenting experiences ever. He was screaming, we were crying and trying to console him. But in the midst of the torture, my wife tries to lighten the mood and says "He looks just like Baby Jessica." I laughed later. We got him down to Childrens and the ER staff was wonderful. They took X-rays and thankfully no fractures. He was still in the child neck collar the whole time but at least he was out of the neck brace. When all was calm and we knew we were out of immediate danger, we were able to relax and he was loving the one on one time with both his parents and the hospital TV. The ER doctor told us to keep the neck brace on and consult neurosurgery for a follow-up because after neck trauma he is still at risk for the weak ligaments around the spine to re-injury the neck. So he is to keep the brace on 24/7 even bath and bedtime.
After we were out of the "high risk" woods, my wife and I started talking about these past 24 hours and how expensive 1 day can get. The best thing is that despite all these things, everyone was OK. But I was telling Lindsey, that Childrens is so good to us because our name is on this wing of the hospital because of all the money we have had to pay to them over the past 7 years. I mean we just finished paying Drew off from his birth. He is officially ours now and wont get repo'ed. Although some days I think about re-financing him. And we were at Childrens 8 months ago, when this same neck brace boy had broken his leg at Christmas. So Childrens was very good to us because we pay their salary. That new building at Columbus Children's Hospital...You're welcome. So while we were getting ready to leave, the registration girl comes in a tells us we have a $100 ER visit co-pay. I tell her to add it to our running tab w have Childrens. She told us she could bill us later. Why pay today what you can pay tomorrow, its the American way. So while we are driving home I start thinking of the ER co-pay and the x-ray and ER room charges, I think of the totaling of my car and the new car payment, and the insurance deductible and I start laughing. Well Lindsey looks over at me and her first thought is "He's lost it. It was too much for him and he has finally cracked." She asks me why I am laughing and I tell her, "We are out of gas." To which we both start laughing because what else can you do. We now have one car and one 2 year old in a neck brace for the next 2 weeks. When a friend was asking me about how Nate was injured in the car accident, I had to tell him, "No, those were 2 separate events but the same 24 hours." At least our boys have been wonderful with little Natey and his new "neck shield." There are no superheroes with neck braces he could relate to so we call it his "neck shield" like Captain America...if he broke his neck.
When it rains, It pours. I only wish it would pour money,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The "No Fair" Family Trip - Part 4
So we spent the next 2 days either trapped in our hotel room or throwing rocks into Lake Michigan. The view was beautiful but that lasted 10 minutes and we had 23 hours and 50 minutes to come up with something else for our kids to do. Enter the Raven Hill Discovery Center.
I spoke with the concierge and she told me about this discovery center that the kids might enjoy. There were inside and outside activities so it seemed promising. I was thinking it would be like a COSI (Center of Science and Industry) we have in Columbus. The only downside was that it was 45 minutes away. But it was Friday and it was raining, so this would be our day trip and we could spend 4-5 hours there and get back to the hotel in time for bed time. Well we made the trip out into the Boonies. I am talking way out there into the fertile plains and backwoods of Michigan. We began to see signs for this place which is common for large places of interest, which was a good sign. We are following the directions from the concierge and next thing I know, turn on to this dirt road. This was when I became suspicious but still hopeful. Well we start traveling on this dirt road and began passing a bunch of mobile homes with old cars and junk in their front yards, and then we approached an enormous 45 degree angle mud covered hill.
(Yeah, we took pictures)
Well, luckily our minivan made it but I began to think this road is not heavily traveled on so how popular could this science center be? We continue down the muddy road (because it was raining) and I almost missed the entrance because it was literally a large warehouse building off the road. We pulled in to the rock covered parking lot and Lindsey says to me, "I am not paying $8 per person to go in there." And we didn't but there was a road to go further into the property which we took to check out the rest of this "discovery center."
To the right of the parking lot was a weird assortment of what looked like various doll houses or model train scenery with no toy train in sight but an uncompleted brick walkway where you could supposedly "discover" creepy dwarf houses and barns.
The next "exhibit" was a pile of bricks which was probably the "hands-on" interactive part of the center where kids could feel like a real mason and learn how to build brick walls.
Further into the property was a large building called "The Print Shop" your one stop shop for wedding invitations and death notices. It was closed but there was a sign stating you could show yourself around or contact a staff member for a guided tour...of that building.
Next to the Print Shop was the one room school house where you could ring the school bell or pump the non-connected water pump on the side of the deck, another 2 interactive activities for the kids. My favorite was the sign on the door.
So pretty much, you are at risk for wasp/bee attacks no matter where you are at the Raven Hill Discovery Center. Next to the wasp nest/school house was an open field that contained their space exhibit.
It was a shed painted over with a space mural most likely by a 10 year old. And if you can't see from the picture, on the rocket is an eye-balled, hand printed "NASA." But my favorite part of the place was across the street from "The Print Shop." It was a walkway surrounded by a large display of various skulls. Prehistoric man, animals, bigfoot, la chupacabre, etc. It was a creepy walk down skull memory lane.
The tag line for the Raven Hill Discovery Center was "where science, history, and art come together." But it seemed more like Uncle Jo Bob in the sticks had a hundred bucks and a dream. One day he turned to ol' Mildred and said, "I thinks I's gonna open up a discovery center. I mean I gotta do something with my large collection of bricks, weird skulls and creepy doll houses. And didn't your 10 year old niece just learn how to paint. We'll have her paints us a space center. She can put 'NASA' on the rocket to makes it official."
Needless to say, we high tailed it out of there and headed back to the hotel room. So we spent 45 minutes there, 5 minutes "discovering" the place, and 45 minutes back wasting 70 miles of gas for nothing. That was supposed to be our whole day there. We arrived back to our tiny room with frustrated kids with pent up energy and aggression toward one another for being in the car for one and a half hours for nothing and now back to where we started with nothing to do. We decided to take them swimming in the misty rain. So Lindsey left to get our swim stuff out of the car and stayed in the room breaking up fights and manning the complaint department. I was so defeated. The day didn't turn out, the hotel didn't turn out, the vacation was not turning out. I was spending gobs of money on unappreciated and usually un-eaten kids meals at expensive restaurants and now we were going to a pool in the rain that would probably last 2 minutes before Drew gets out complaining about being cold and Zachary yelling about Drew complaining. Lindsey walked in the room and saw the defeat in my face and at that exact moment, Nate ran up to me and punched me in the crotch. And as I lay writhing on the floor in pain, I had an epiphany, "Metaphorically speaking, this day is like a punch in the crotch."
We ended up leaving a day early because we could not handle another day like today and ended up going to our friend's house in Toledo and spending the day and sleeping over there. Our kids got to play with their friends, we got to talk and have adult conversation without any interruptions, and everyone had fun. Except when I went out on the porch to check on Drew, at the same time I heard Lindsey scream behind me, I felt liquid running down my leg as I turn and see Nate standing in the doorway, half-naked, peeing on me. Apparently he either no longer likes to uses toilets or he was giving me another good metaphor for this trip, "It was like getting peed on."
We returned home the next day and within an hour of arriving home, my wife and I were out the door on a date to spend some alone time together and be away from the kids. Now that date was our official "vacation" - a time away without the kids.
May all your trips become vacations,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
I spoke with the concierge and she told me about this discovery center that the kids might enjoy. There were inside and outside activities so it seemed promising. I was thinking it would be like a COSI (Center of Science and Industry) we have in Columbus. The only downside was that it was 45 minutes away. But it was Friday and it was raining, so this would be our day trip and we could spend 4-5 hours there and get back to the hotel in time for bed time. Well we made the trip out into the Boonies. I am talking way out there into the fertile plains and backwoods of Michigan. We began to see signs for this place which is common for large places of interest, which was a good sign. We are following the directions from the concierge and next thing I know, turn on to this dirt road. This was when I became suspicious but still hopeful. Well we start traveling on this dirt road and began passing a bunch of mobile homes with old cars and junk in their front yards, and then we approached an enormous 45 degree angle mud covered hill.
(Yeah, we took pictures)
Well, luckily our minivan made it but I began to think this road is not heavily traveled on so how popular could this science center be? We continue down the muddy road (because it was raining) and I almost missed the entrance because it was literally a large warehouse building off the road. We pulled in to the rock covered parking lot and Lindsey says to me, "I am not paying $8 per person to go in there." And we didn't but there was a road to go further into the property which we took to check out the rest of this "discovery center."
To the right of the parking lot was a weird assortment of what looked like various doll houses or model train scenery with no toy train in sight but an uncompleted brick walkway where you could supposedly "discover" creepy dwarf houses and barns.
The next "exhibit" was a pile of bricks which was probably the "hands-on" interactive part of the center where kids could feel like a real mason and learn how to build brick walls.
Further into the property was a large building called "The Print Shop" your one stop shop for wedding invitations and death notices. It was closed but there was a sign stating you could show yourself around or contact a staff member for a guided tour...of that building.
Next to the Print Shop was the one room school house where you could ring the school bell or pump the non-connected water pump on the side of the deck, another 2 interactive activities for the kids. My favorite was the sign on the door.
So pretty much, you are at risk for wasp/bee attacks no matter where you are at the Raven Hill Discovery Center. Next to the wasp nest/school house was an open field that contained their space exhibit.
It was a shed painted over with a space mural most likely by a 10 year old. And if you can't see from the picture, on the rocket is an eye-balled, hand printed "NASA." But my favorite part of the place was across the street from "The Print Shop." It was a walkway surrounded by a large display of various skulls. Prehistoric man, animals, bigfoot, la chupacabre, etc. It was a creepy walk down skull memory lane.
The tag line for the Raven Hill Discovery Center was "where science, history, and art come together." But it seemed more like Uncle Jo Bob in the sticks had a hundred bucks and a dream. One day he turned to ol' Mildred and said, "I thinks I's gonna open up a discovery center. I mean I gotta do something with my large collection of bricks, weird skulls and creepy doll houses. And didn't your 10 year old niece just learn how to paint. We'll have her paints us a space center. She can put 'NASA' on the rocket to makes it official."
Needless to say, we high tailed it out of there and headed back to the hotel room. So we spent 45 minutes there, 5 minutes "discovering" the place, and 45 minutes back wasting 70 miles of gas for nothing. That was supposed to be our whole day there. We arrived back to our tiny room with frustrated kids with pent up energy and aggression toward one another for being in the car for one and a half hours for nothing and now back to where we started with nothing to do. We decided to take them swimming in the misty rain. So Lindsey left to get our swim stuff out of the car and stayed in the room breaking up fights and manning the complaint department. I was so defeated. The day didn't turn out, the hotel didn't turn out, the vacation was not turning out. I was spending gobs of money on unappreciated and usually un-eaten kids meals at expensive restaurants and now we were going to a pool in the rain that would probably last 2 minutes before Drew gets out complaining about being cold and Zachary yelling about Drew complaining. Lindsey walked in the room and saw the defeat in my face and at that exact moment, Nate ran up to me and punched me in the crotch. And as I lay writhing on the floor in pain, I had an epiphany, "Metaphorically speaking, this day is like a punch in the crotch."
We ended up leaving a day early because we could not handle another day like today and ended up going to our friend's house in Toledo and spending the day and sleeping over there. Our kids got to play with their friends, we got to talk and have adult conversation without any interruptions, and everyone had fun. Except when I went out on the porch to check on Drew, at the same time I heard Lindsey scream behind me, I felt liquid running down my leg as I turn and see Nate standing in the doorway, half-naked, peeing on me. Apparently he either no longer likes to uses toilets or he was giving me another good metaphor for this trip, "It was like getting peed on."
We returned home the next day and within an hour of arriving home, my wife and I were out the door on a date to spend some alone time together and be away from the kids. Now that date was our official "vacation" - a time away without the kids.
May all your trips become vacations,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
The "No Fair" Family Trip - Part 3
We traveled to Bay Harbor Michigan a short 20 minute drive from our non-air conditioned vacation sweat box/home. We could not check in till later so we ate lunch at a terrible Mexican restaurant that served bad Mexican food. To which my wife replied, "seriously, who messes up Mexican food? its tortillas, cheese, meat and vegetables. Its not that difficult." I really believe that they used steak-ums instead of real steak in my fajita. And we were luckily enough to find the only Mexican restaurant in the state of Michigan that could screw it up. It was quite a treat. After lunch we went to play Miniature Golf for the second time because we are a glutton for punishment. You can never keep a real score when playing mini golf with children. Because it turns into "who scored what?" versus having fun. We learned this the hard way. Zachary was doing well for the first 2 holes then Drew did better on hole 3. Well, Zachary could not handle that and instead of trying harder, his strategy was to yell louder at Drew and blame him for things that Drew had no control over; like Zachary hitting his ball too hard or Zachary hitting his own ball into the water. Yep, Drew's fault. So then it turned into a competition about who would go first and second. We then lost 2 balls into the woods and 1 potentially into the river but I literally jump in after it, soaking my shoe. Because I knew, Zachary had to have the blue ball and no other ball could ever replace it. Nate really got into mini golf too by starting his putt 1 foot away from each hole. He was so into it he kept taking his ball on to the next hole bypassing and blocking the putts of the party ahead of us. But in the end, everyone had fun, except me, my wife, the in-laws, and the 3 boys.
Nate was poked in the right eye, Drew in the left eye, and Zachary blocked the eye poke by using binoculars.
I call this one, "Indigestion."
And of course, "the crotch grab."
We did the famous "O-H-I-O" picture with Nate dotting the 'i' which came out pretty well but check out the next one:
Zachary losing interest, Drew asking when we are going to eat next, and Nate whining because he skipped his nap and it was somehow my fault.
But of all our pictures, these were my favorite. Can you guess why?
Stay tuned for the final part,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
We were then able to check into the Inn at Bay Harbor. Well I unpacked our bags and looked forward to getting out of our single hotel room and into the beauty of Northern Michigan and start some good ol' family fun... And it started raining. And there was nothing to do for the kids.
The beach turned out to be a rock beach instead of sand. So we spent a lot of time throwing rocks into the water and trying to keep the kids from throwing themselves in too. We attempted to take some beautiful family pictures, the kind you put on Christmas cards and convince your family and friends of the amazing family vacation you took by the look on all the happy faces and view in the background. But this is what we got:
2 crying toddlers and 1 farting 7 year old.
Nate was poked in the right eye, Drew in the left eye, and Zachary blocked the eye poke by using binoculars.
I call this one, "Indigestion."
And of course, "the crotch grab."
We did the famous "O-H-I-O" picture with Nate dotting the 'i' which came out pretty well but check out the next one:
Zachary losing interest, Drew asking when we are going to eat next, and Nate whining because he skipped his nap and it was somehow my fault.
But of all our pictures, these were my favorite. Can you guess why?
Stay tuned for the final part,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
Monday, July 30, 2012
The "No Fair" Family Trip - Part 2
So we had ended our first day of vacation like most days at home: fighting, yelling, refusing to sleep and way past a normal bedtime. So the next day seemed promising. And like everyday at home, they woke up early. Who likes to sleep in on vacation? Apparently not my kids. But this was the only day of the week that we had great weather. It had cooled down from the day before and I did not wake up in a pool of my own sweat. It was actually a great day. Highlights: Zachary and Drew went on a kayak ride with Pop Pop and Lindsey, Zachary and Drew caught their first fish ever, I got 2 hours away from the kids to ride on a jet ski by myself and only 10 fights between Z and D.
The rest of the week till Thursday was filled with a lot of the same. Mostly fishing on the dock that was walking distance from house. Zachary in total caught 19 fish and Drew around 4. Luckily this fact was not focused on or it would have rubbed in and highlighted. I was even able to catch a snapping turtle by the dock that must have weighed 20 lbs. Now Lindsey has an irrational fear of turtles and has drilled into our children that you must never touch a turtle or you may get diarrhea. I don't know if this is proven science that she read somewhere on WebMD or an urban legend she made up herself. She is fine with fish and lizards and other creepy crawlies but there is something about turtles. One time at a Dad's night at Drew's preschool, the zoo brought out a painted turtle to hold. Drew was very apprehensive to touch it which I find out later was not because of it being a live reptile but because of the possible future digestion problems. And directly after touching it, without skipping a beat, he asked the worker "Can I wash my hands?" So I pulled this snapping turtle out of the water with a net and placed it on the dock. Pop Pop came over and bent down to pick up. And Drew in a panic yelled, "DON'T TOUCH IT! YOU'LL GET DIARRHEA!!"
Check out some pictures from our boy's first fishing experience.
We also were able to go to Petosky State Park's beach on Lake Michigan. We had a great time playing in the water, building a sand castle and burying Daddy in the sand. We also were able to get a couple of good pictures of the boys which is every Mom's main goal on vacation.
I want you to look at these next 2 pictures. The first picture is 1 of around 50 that actually came out great. The second is what the other 49 looked like. Mostly Zachary yelling at Drew for no good reason. Thank goodness for digital cameras and 128 mb memory cards that can hold 4000 pictures. Because most likely you will get 5 good ones out of those 4000. What did we ever do before digital cameras? It must be why most of my family's photo albums from vacations growing up contained more pictures of scenery than pictures of my siblings and I. Cause if you don't get that 1st picture, you only have 27 more pictures on that roll and film cost $10 a roll. So scenery it is. Check these out...and Zachary's butt crack.
On Thursday, we left the vacation house and headed for Bay Harbor to finish our trip at a beautiful resort on Lake Michigan. Sounds great, right?
Oh just wait,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
The rest of the week till Thursday was filled with a lot of the same. Mostly fishing on the dock that was walking distance from house. Zachary in total caught 19 fish and Drew around 4. Luckily this fact was not focused on or it would have rubbed in and highlighted. I was even able to catch a snapping turtle by the dock that must have weighed 20 lbs. Now Lindsey has an irrational fear of turtles and has drilled into our children that you must never touch a turtle or you may get diarrhea. I don't know if this is proven science that she read somewhere on WebMD or an urban legend she made up herself. She is fine with fish and lizards and other creepy crawlies but there is something about turtles. One time at a Dad's night at Drew's preschool, the zoo brought out a painted turtle to hold. Drew was very apprehensive to touch it which I find out later was not because of it being a live reptile but because of the possible future digestion problems. And directly after touching it, without skipping a beat, he asked the worker "Can I wash my hands?" So I pulled this snapping turtle out of the water with a net and placed it on the dock. Pop Pop came over and bent down to pick up. And Drew in a panic yelled, "DON'T TOUCH IT! YOU'LL GET DIARRHEA!!"
Check out some pictures from our boy's first fishing experience.
We also were able to go to Petosky State Park's beach on Lake Michigan. We had a great time playing in the water, building a sand castle and burying Daddy in the sand. We also were able to get a couple of good pictures of the boys which is every Mom's main goal on vacation.
I want you to look at these next 2 pictures. The first picture is 1 of around 50 that actually came out great. The second is what the other 49 looked like. Mostly Zachary yelling at Drew for no good reason. Thank goodness for digital cameras and 128 mb memory cards that can hold 4000 pictures. Because most likely you will get 5 good ones out of those 4000. What did we ever do before digital cameras? It must be why most of my family's photo albums from vacations growing up contained more pictures of scenery than pictures of my siblings and I. Cause if you don't get that 1st picture, you only have 27 more pictures on that roll and film cost $10 a roll. So scenery it is. Check these out...and Zachary's butt crack.
On Thursday, we left the vacation house and headed for Bay Harbor to finish our trip at a beautiful resort on Lake Michigan. Sounds great, right?
Oh just wait,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
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