We are halfway through the summer and like most families, we have lived at the pool this summer. I made some observations today at the pool that I would like to share with you.
I came home from work today and my wife gave me the "I'm done with children today" look. You know the one. The look that means you'd better do something about it because I am about to transfer my wrath from them to you, so for your sake, you'd better save yourself and fix it. So in the name of self preservation, I gallantly stated I would take the children out of the house and take them to the pool leaving her with a couple hours alone. I know, I'm a hero. So I took the kids and we went to the store first to pick up some chips and grapes for dinner at the pool. Chips so they will eat something and grapes so I don't feel guilty about only giving them chips for dinner. On our way out, I'm checking out and Nate announces that he has to pee. So I take them all in the bathroom and Nate refuses to use one of the toilets cause there is already pee in it. He uses the other and takes all his clothes off. I then realize he has decided to poop instead because he is climbing all over the public toilet like a set of monkey bars, naked. He then proceeds to change his mind again, and only pees. On the way out, he is very adamant about washing his hands and being clean which is understandable. What I don't understand is after he washes his hands he then proceeds to touch everything he sees on the way out to our car including every vending machine, ice machine, grocery cart, and dirty car in the parking lot. I believe a child is only clean 30 seconds after a bath or washing his hands because inevitably they will touch something they are not supposed to that is most likely covered in bacteria or feces. Purell has made a fortune on this fact.
Well we go to the YMCA indoor pool and the kids grab their goggles and jump in, while I carry in the stuff like a pack mule with 2 bags, towels, puddle jumper, and clothes they have stripped off on the way to the water. The older 2 go off on their own and I stay with Nate the 3 year old. My plan is to stay here as long as we can to give mommy enough time to cool down, so when I return, she is not mad at me. And its a time killer till bed time. I thought we would swim for an hour, then eat some dinner, then swim for another couple hours till bedtime. So Nate and I are swimming around, and 15 minutes later Nate announces, "I'm hungry. I want dinner." So much for 1 hour of swimming. So when I tell him to wait, the whining begins. Luckily we were close to rest time and everyone had to get out. So we ate dinner at that time which took up the 10 minute rest time. We get back in and swim around more when I see Nate get out on the side of the pool and pull out his penis. I run up to him and stop him from peeing on the side of the pool in front of a family. I tell him you need to pee in the pool like mommy but he apparently can only pee in the pool or on the side of the pool. So I take him to pee in the bathroom and while peeing in the toilet he turns around to tell me something about the shower that is behind him, peeing on everything but the toilet. But he was in his bathing suit so it was OK. And it wasn't our bathroom. So we go back to pool and on our way back, I see Drew standing under the water spout with his pants pulled down, letting the spout hit his bare butt. I stop him and tell him to pull his pants up while a mom who saw the whole thing is dying laughing. But the best part is as I am having a "keep your pants up in public" talk...again, I turn around to see Nate with his pants around his knees doing the exact same thing Drew was doing. This is now the second time Nate has dropped trough. He might as well just go skinny dipping at this point. It seems like at a pool, "the monkey see monkey do" way of thinking is a must. I am just glad the 8 year old did not see this happen cause you know he would be the third person in line to try the water spout enema trick. But after I give the younger 2 a good talking to, I see Zachary, the 8 year old, frog jumping the floor fountains and delaying a little too long which looks like he was giving himself a nice bidet washing. I have no idea why my kids are the ones that enjoy washing their butts at the public pool. But what made me laugh was the 6 year old girl who was right behind Zachary trying out the bidet fountains. Another example of "Monkey see, monkey wash his butt in public."
After this we had no more incidents with dropping trough or washing their nether regions, and we had fun. Nate only made 4 trips to the bathroom. The other funny thing that happened was Nate wanted to wash his goggles, so he got out of the pool, opened a bottle of water and poured that water into them. When I told him to just use the pool water, he got back into the pool and proceeded to drink pool water out of his goggles.
So next time you are at a pool and you see boys drop their suits or stay a little too long over the fountains, please give the Dad a break. At least he got them out of the house and avoided Mom's wrath.
I wonder how tight I can tie those swim suit draw strings,
The Joyful and Tired Dad
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