So There is a Downside to 6 Pounds of Candy?

So as you know from my last post, our nephews have been staying with us ages 7 and 9. We have been doing many fun things with them they normally don’t get to do and actually our kids don’t get to do either. Like tent camping in our backyard, vacation bible school in the mornings, watching Netflix movies, and having ice cream for dinner. That was a fun night. Side story: We went to Menchies, which is a self-serve soft serve ice cream joint where you can pick from 12 different flavors then choose from 50 different toppings to add. So my oldest nephew, Ben went ballistic in there. For one, it was ice cream for dinner so that is all we had. No protein, no veggies, no bread, only candy, ice cream and hot fudge sauce. So anyway, Ben loaded his bowl with about 20 ounces of ice cream and then topped it with Butterfinger, snickers, white chocolate chips, Oreos, and then my favorites, gummy worms and sour patch kids. So he covered the 4 basic food groups: ice cream, chocolate, cookies, and sour fruit flavored gummies. It was a balanced dinner. Lindsey tried a bite and almost threw up. But he loved it and ate the whole thing. So needless to say it was a week of sugar-filled outings. Which brings me to the final story of the week.

We decided to take them to see the new Smurfs movie at the theater. Since we all wanted to watch the movie instead of chasing around a 20 month old, we got a babysitter for Nate. So we took the 4 oldest boys, Ben (9), Will (7), Zachary (6) and Drew (3). Rather than taking out a second mortgage on our house to pay for movie theater candy we decided to take them to Giant Eagle to pick up some store bought candy. But not just any store bought candy….bulk candy. We had passed the bulk candy aisle earlier in the week and you must have thought we walked past an aisle containing the Ten Commandments, the Holy Grail, and Jesus himself stocking the aisles, the way my nephews looked at the bulk candy. They asked “Is that all candy? Are you serious?” So on movie day, we take them to this bulk candy aisle from heaven, give them each a bag and tell them they have 5 minutes to fill it up and then we are leaving. It was like a scene from Supermarket Sweep. They were grabbing handfuls of this and handfuls of that. Whatever they could grab and move on to the next thing. Everyone was grabbing whatever they could except for Zachary who would take 2 pieces here and 2 pieces there, not wanting to overdo it. As a parent I want to take pride in his humbleness and restraint, but as an American I want to say “Are you crazy? Grab as much as you can. Overindulge. It’s our way. It’s the American way.” We eventually have to tell him to put a little more in his bag because he literally had 4 pieces of candy. Because once that was gone then I would be buying movie theater candy and the Senate would need to vote to raise my debt limit too. So at the end of the shopping spree, we had 6 bags of candy and funny thing was Drew the smallest of them all, had the biggest bag. So I take the candy to be weighed and check out and grand total was 6 pounds of candy for 6 people, 4 of them under 10 years old. What could go wrong?

We go to the theater and put all the candy in Lindsey’s purse, only realizing after the fact that we should have brought a small carry-on bag with roller wheels on it to hold all the candy. So with a strained back and a determined mind to save money, Lindsey hauls the duffel bag, I mean purse into the theater. We get our seats and begin watching the movie with no incident. Everyone has their bag and everyone is happy. Well Lindsey brought the sugary Kool Aid juice drinks to the theater for our drinks. Why not water? I was wondering the same thing too but what could go wrong with a little more sugar? You see where this is going? Yeah but which one? Well half way through the movie, Lindsey who is sitting by Drew cuts him off from his bag. He had been gorging himself on whatever he could find in his bag of treats. But this also made him thirsty. So I come to find out later that in the course of 1 hour she had given him 3 juice drinks, on top of the massive amounts of candy. Well he starts burping. And burping. So Lindsey tells him, “Stop burping or you are going to throw….” Splash!!! That’s all I hear at the other end of the row. I look down and she is doing what every great parent does in a crisis: send them to the other parent. So she is holding up his blanket to his mouth while he is continuing to throw up black, juicy chocolaty, gummy puke and Ben who was on the other side of him is high tailing it out of there toward me, looking back and saying “Drew, quit throwing up on me!” He gets to me crying and I grab the back of his shirt (the only part not covered in puke) and usher him out to the lobby. Now please note, this was during the climax of the movie, Gargamel was about to get his, and no one I repeat, NO ONE made a move when a 3 year old was puking his guts out behind and beside them. They all sat there and watched the movie! Even the family of three that Drew and I had to squeeze past at the end of our aisle even blinked an eye away from the screen to notice the boys with the projectile vomit! I am sorry, but I could be watching Harry battle Voldemort for the final time and I will flip backward over my seat if I see a puking child coming at me in real life. Anyway, I take Drew to the bathroom and clean him up. The shirt is a lost cause so I pitch it in the garbage and I second guess doing the same to the pants but like a good parent I don’t think I put him in underwear today so I can’t bring a naked child out of the bathroom to our car. But I can bring a shirtless one. While I am cleaning up, the other boys show up at the bathroom to shower off from the puke bath. Lindsey gets a large garbage bag from the manager and apologizes for our irresponsibility and puts his blanket in the bag. During this whole cleanup process, Will turns to Lindsey and asks, “So are we going back in the movie to watch the end?” To which she replies, “No buddy. I hope we never see those people in there again.” The humor was lost on him but the truth of it made me laugh. To which I replied, “That was Smurfin’ gross. So you’re telling me there is a downside to 6 pounds of candy.” And she says, “Fa la la la la la…blaaaaauuuuu (vomit noise).”
So it was too bad we missed the end of the movie but in retrospect, it was those around us that lost the most. The first half of the movie was spent having their chairs kicked by 4 super hyper sugar infused children and the second half smelling the stomach contents of a super hyper sugar infused child. So we all learned a valuable lesson. Lindsey learned the sugar limits of a 3 year old and that water is always better than juice. Drew learned that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Zachary and Will learned that picking your feet up avoids changing your shoes and socks later. Ben learned that he the best way to avoid projectile vomit is to not stand in front of it. And I learned the next time I want to save money; we will go to the dollar theater.

Hoping you know your limits because we now know Drew’s,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

It seemed like a good idea at the time

Have you ever had this great idea for an activity or outing with your kids that you think is the best idea and everyone would have so much fun, including you. But when the activity takes place, it turns out to be the most horrible idea, you immediately regret your decision, and you think to yourself, “what in the world was I thinking?!?” Well when this happens, ask yourself this: What was the situation when this seemingly wonderful idea came to me? I’ll give you a firsthand example of what I mean.

This week we have had our 2 nephews stay with us for a fun summer vacation for them and for our kids as well. They are 9 and 7 years old…boys. So in our house this week are 5 boys ages 9,7,6,3, and 1. Well there is one decision that might have seemed like a good idea at the time but I guarantee was made under controlled circumstances, by my wife. Another decision that was made this week was to set up our tent in the backward and have the older boys sleep outside for a night; also an idea from my wife. But this decision was also made in a controlled environment during a controlled time period. What I mean by this is that this decision was made after dinner, kids in bed, in the house while sitting on the couch in our living room. So in other words: our bellies were full, we were well rested, the kids were not annoying us or super hyper but asleep, and we were on comfortable furniture in the air conditioning. So pretty much the exact opposite of camping outside in a tent. Of course, tent camping with the children sounds like a great idea at the time. My suggestion is this: Before making a decision like tent camping, put yourself as close as you can in that situation and then consider if it is a good idea. Like for tent camping, lock yourself in a sauna, line the floor with rocks, wrap yourself in a sleeping bag, give 3 boys under ten 2 pounds of sugar each, put them on top of you and then turn out the lights. Now make the decision if tent camping is a good idea.

Here is the story:
We plan to set up the tent and camp outside on Wednesday night, so in the afternoon we all go outside to set up the tent.


The first inclination that this might not be the best idea is that while we set up the tent, the temperature reaches 95 degrees outside. And quick correction, I said we, I meant me. Because halfway through putting the poles into place, the boys thought it was too hot so they went inside.


Also, I haven’t mowed the grass in 2 weeks due to the heat of the day and the day before, the boys played outside in the water tearing up the grass with the slip and slide and soaking the grass making it un-mowable. After the tent is set up, our plan is to rent a movie and watch it in the tent. But because it was so hot outside, we decide to watch it inside in the air conditioning. So we watch Rango and the kids love it.


At this point it is 8:00 and time for bed for the 2 younger boys. It was at this point when my wife thinks, “Let’s keep this party going and have the older boys sleep outside tonight. And not only that, lets rent another movie for them to watch. And not only that, you get to watch the movie and sleep outside with them too since I have to stay in the house with the little kids.” So she goes out to rent movie #2 and I gather all the sleeping bags to take outside.


I take our computer outside to watch the movie in the tent. So the 3 boys and I load into the tent and turn the movie on. At this point it is 9:15. I am thinking “ok, I know it’s late but that means we could be asleep by the end of the movie at 11:15.” But at 9:45 I call Lindsey from the tent to inform her that we have been watching previews for the last half an hour! You may be asking, “Why didn’t you skip them?” Fact is I tried and the computer messed up and we had to start them over again, so therefore we had to watch them through, all 30 minutes of them. So now, it will be midnight when the movie is over and we can go to sleep. While the movie plays, I go inside to get drinks and stay hydrated because the tent is reaching 3 digit temperatures. And not only that but when it became too dark to see outside, our dog decided to poop in the yard somewhere, and it was now wafting into the tent and the poop stench began to mix with the sweaty boy smell. When inside, I inform my wife of the “fun” we are having to which she begins to laugh and pee her pants at my misery. So what drinks did I get? Why sugar-loaded juice drinks of course. Why not at 10:30 at night? I thought it would go well with the cookies and popcorn they had during their first movie.


The movie ended around 11:30 (thanks Yogi Bear for being short) and the boys were now to giddy and sugar high to sleep. So let the arm fart contest commence! I learned some valuable arm fart techniques from my 7 year old nephew Will, that it only works if your arm pit is real sweaty in which they all were, so it was quite a concert at 11:30 at night. So I make the declaration at 11:45: “if you are all still awake at midnight, we are going inside to sleep.” Within 5 minutes, they were all sleeping…except me. Because I didn’t mow the grass, my space in the tent had random grass clumps sporadically placed around my body so nowhere I moved was comfortable. Not to mention the fact, that I did not have a sleeping bag but a small comforter. I highly recommend using a comforter to wrap yourself in when it is 90+ degrees outside. I finally fell to sleep out of pure exhaustion at 12:45 no matter what I was sleeping on. And the next day, wouldn’t you know it everyone woke up at 6:15 in the morning with the morning light. Now I know they can all have careers as famers when they get older because they are on the same sleep schedule.

So next time you have some grandiose plan like tent camping with your children in the dead of summer “for the memories” try to make yourself as uncomfortable as possible like sleeping on a bed of nails in a giant oven, and then reconsider your “good idea.” Or afterward you might be saying “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Now I’m off to plan some “good ideas” for my wife,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

The Great American Past Time: Time Killing

So what do you do when you have a 3 day holiday weekend for the 4th of July, you want to avoid the crowds and heat at the parade, the fireworks are too late at night for your children,you already had your super fun picnic on Saturday and were busy all day outside on Sunday but now its Monday, and nothing good is on TV? The same thing our forefathers did with their families ~200 years ago: Kill time until bed time!

You know our forefathers were also fathers. When they were not fighting revolutionary wars or framing our constitution and setting a government of the people for the people, they were at home brainstorming with their wives how to kill time until bed just like we do today. I mean you can only take a horseback ride or throw sticks into the creek for so long until the kids want to do something else. Life back then was rough. Think about it, they didn't even have Nick Jr. Nick Jr. is like pre-school 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They had the school marm who had to teach 100 kids grades first through 12 the same lesson in an 8'x 8' school house. No wonder so many dropped out by the sixth grade! They probably heard the same lesson 6 times at that point. Of course I am basing all my assumptions on Little House on the Prairie and if I were in their situation, if I had to be in the same class with Nelly I either drop out or opt for home schooling. But I digress. Point being, time killing has been around since the foundation of this country and before. I am surprised it wasn't included in the Bill of Rights, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of time killing or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom to do anything deemed necessary and fair during the day to kill time with your children until their appointed bed time which shall not intercede or overlap into the Parent's God-given right to watch CSI or the Bachelor and therein to judge said Bachelor for his douchbaggery and pretentiousness."

I must say we had originally had plans to go to the parade in the morning. But after waking up 6:30 and already dealing with cranky toddlers who had bickered for a straight 2 hours, the thought of fighting traffic and huge crowds and blistering heat or rain showers to watch a parade, if you even get a spot toward the street, that may or may not throw candy from the floats but will generously hand out paper advertisements for Karate or Dance Studios or your local congressman/judge/county auditor/sheriff and then leaving the area traffic will cause you make it home 15 minutes after they have all fallen asleep in the car exchanging a 15 minute nap for their normal 2 hour nap in their own beds causing you to also miss out on your nap time/off-duty parent time, did not seen worth the trip to a parade today. So instead we have good intentions to take them and our new puppy to the dog park. That went well for 10 minutes until Nate wanted to get down to play with the strange dogs, including the Jack Russel Terrier who growled and nipped at every dog in there including our 7 month old ferocious shi-poo 7 lbs attack puppy. So the 25 minute car ride was worth the 10 minute dog park time.

From there we were able to make it back to the house with everyone staying awake and taking advantage of the much needed "nap time/Adult swim." We were all able to take naps, some shorter than others (sorry Lindsey) due to a 6 year old who hates naps as much as broccoli. But I got to take one, God bless America! When we were all awake, we decided to brave the place only daring or selfish parents attempt to take their children: the movie theater. We loaded up on snacks, candy, and sippy cups and set out for the dollar theater. Dollar theater because we were honest with ourselves knowing we might not make it through the whole thing and it is easier to leave a $3 theater bill versus a $60 AMC spend-a-thon after tickets and snacks. We took the 20 month old for his first movie, Rio. Nate was on my lap and everything was going well for the first bag of M&Ms, then Nate started to get fidgety. At this point here is the tally for what was covered in chocolate from Nate's M&Ms: his hands, his face, his hair, his forehead, his clothes, my arms, my shirt, my pants, the movie chair, and the bottom of his left shoe. The candy that melts in your mouth not in you hand, my foot! No really, it was on my foot too! Nate was then given a sucker which he proceeded to touch my arm and face with until he got upset about being on my lap and threw it 10 feet down the aisle. Of course that was after he took his shoe off and also tossed that on the floor. So what did I do when M&Ms and suckers no longer satisfy? That's right, send him down to Mommy. She was already dealing with Drew who was also fidgety and had consumed his own 3000 calories in chocolate and licorice. Nate wanted to sit on the folding movie seat but due to his light weight, fell between the seat and back of the chair and got stuck. I then had to pull him out while Lindsey is telling me to find his second shoe on the floor that he had removed. So I am now on my hands and knees in the dollar theater feeling around in the dark finding nothing but used sucker sticks and wet M&Ms that went into the mouth but then fell out, only to find out Nate still had his second shoe on his foot! So being sticky, covered in chocolate, sucker sticks, and something green, feeling a sugar headache approaching, Nate beginning to scream uncontrollably, Drew unable to sit in one place for 2 seconds, and Zachary talking to the screen like he was the only one there, it was time to leave. We walked out of the theater and saw that Nate had what looked like dried blood all over his hands and forehead! But after licking his head I found it to be melted red candy coating. Zachary then asked if we were going back in to finish the movie to which Lindsey responded "No, we wanted to leave early to make sure we beat the crowds coming out of the theater and make it to our car first." She is so funny and he bought it. The best part of the movie trip: it took us right up to bath and bed time. They had so much crap food at the movies, we pumped them full of carrots for dinner and sent them off to bed.

Avoided a parade, check. Visited the dog park, check. Got a nap, check. Attempted a family movie, check. No blood, only M&Ms, check. Children in bed by 7:30, check. Time killed today, check. Showered and unsticky, not checked.

Thank you forefathers for being fathers too,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

2 out of 3 ain't bad!

Have you ever had one of those moments that seem so perfectly timed that you swear your kids planned ahead of time and you are the one looking childish? I had one of those moments tonight at Tae Kwon Do.

So Lindsey went to get a new pair of glasses and said I should take the 3 boys to Zachary's Tae Kwon Do practice. Sure, no problem, what could go wrong, I thought. Of course, forgetting that I had 3 boys under the age of 6 that don't sit still or listen or obey. But besides that, it should be easy. Well, I came prepared with snacks, drinks, and the secret weapon. Zachary went in to practice and the two bleachers full of parents filled up to watch the practice. I sat down with my 2 little angels, we were watching Z, and everything was great... for those 2 minutes. Then Drew wanted the snacks. Out of the 45 minute practice, snacks were supposed to come in play at minute 18 on the "Distractability Timeline." Followed by drinks, play area, short walk, snacks again, drinking fountain, and then bounce up and down if there was still time left. We were way ahead of schedule! Well drinks were immediately asked for at minute 4! I should have known cause snacks were salty pretzels. Always plan your foods with your drinks, never separate. Know that with salty foods, drinks come sooner, but with candy and gum, drinks can be delayed cause they want the sugar taste to remain in their mouth as long as possible. Rookie mistake. Well after this, Nate, who I had been holding, wanted down. I thought he would stay right by us. I thought wrong. He thought, "how many times can I pass by these rows of parents and their well-behaved children until they start judging my daddy?" (The answer is 5, by the way.) So I now began the 'Great Nate Race.' Drew luckily was still following the timeline and had begun playing in the play area they have there. Still ahead of schedule but following it. And I say "play area" loosely. Its a partition behind the row of parents with 3 wall bead activity toys and 2 "map" rugs. Once I caught Nate, I brought him back from the rows of parents to this play area, which entertained him for 10 seconds until the race re-commenced. At this point, I am calling Lindsey to find out how she is doing and to do my job as a dad with all the kids: complain about it. But while I am on the phone, Nate runs into the bathroom and decides to check to check the water temperature in the men's bathroom's toilet. To which I say to Lindsey, "I gotta go." I wash his hands and arms up to the shoulders and find that the blower in the bathroom provides me with a good 2 minutes of distraction for him. Not on the timeline but you have to improvise. At this point, Drew decides he wants to have a race too. So with Nate in my arms, he begins to run around in front of these parents, to prove to them that its not my child who is the problem but it is the father! Oh and I had Lindsey on the phone at the time, and when Drew took off I once again said "I gotta go." I even had to count to Drew to come back: 1.....2.... and luckily he came back because he and I both didn't know what was going to happen at 3. I get them both to the play area to try snacks again and to call Lindsey back but Nate runs away around the corner and returns with some random mom's cell phone in his hand. I grab it and luckily return before she even notices. I see Drew is about to run again so I bring out the secret weapon: the ipod touch. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, confessed in an interview that the sole reason for the invention of the iphone or ipod was to distract children in public. Thats not true but I am sure it was a welcome side effect for Apple. Well Drew loves it and it works for him. But not for Nate. He continues his class on Parent Humiliation 101, by almost running into the dojo itself and joining Zachary's class.

Luckily the 45 minute class ended (in Parent Time it lasted 8 hours), and Zachary came out. It was at this point, the moment happened. The perfectly timed moment that was so seamless and precise, it had to be pre-meditated by the 3 of them. They were all at my feet, and all at once, they split and ran in 3 different directions! It was in this split second I think 3 things: 1) Oh my gosh, don't freak out, 2) Which one do I go after? and deep down, subconsciously 3) Which one is hardest to replace? So seeing that Nate is headed for the women's bathroom to check the pH levels in that toilet, I go after him first. Luckily Drew who ran toward the door, realized no one was with him. And he knows that doing something bad and disobedient is not worth it unless someone is there to witness it, turns around to get his witness and follows Zachary into the men's bathroom. So with Nate in my arms, Drew by the hand and kneeing Zachary toward the door, I declare, "We are leaving!" But of course, Drew wiggles out of my hand, Zachary takes off through the crowd of parents toward the front door and Nate begins screaming to let him down to run too. I am fed up at this time and just want to grab someone else's well-behaved children and head home. Because at this point, I am thinking "I came with 3 and if I can get at least 2 of my children home, then you know 2 out of 3 ain't bad." Well, I managed to get all 3 before we reached the front door and we all returned home in one piece.

So at the end of the day, we all learned something. Drew learned that Daddy is full of empty threats and he is all talk and no number 3. Nate learned that toilet water is 10 degrees colder than room temperature. Zachary learned that her prefers to have mom take him to class. And I learned that I agree with him.

Hoping you have an only child that can't conspire with their siblings,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

"Quick. Get the camera!"

"Quick. Get the camera!" In parent speak, it means, "The kids just did something so funny or unbelievably cute and we must catch it on film to share with everyone." But in kid speak, it means, "Stop whatever it was you were just doing, forget the last 15 minutes, and whatever electronic device they bring into the room, stare blankly at it and for goodness sake, do not repeat anything you just did!" The next greatest invention would be an invisible implant video recording device implanted into the head of a parent, so at a click of a button, it would begin taping whatever you are watching without the int eruption of running to grab a camera or letting the child see the recording device. For some scientific reason that has not been proven yet, a certain hormone is released in a child whenever they see a recording device. A child will first stop all previous activity that said device was trying to capture and 2 things will happen: 1) their brain goes numb and they will stare blankly into the camera like a deer in headlights or 2) they will kick into an ultra-annoying voice/action/scream that seems funny to them but only causes the parents to roll their eyes, regret grabbing the camera, and begin thinking of how they can record over this video. Because your intentions to record something for posterity has changed into documenting how annoying your kid can be.

The reason for recording has changed over the years. It used to be a great way to document your children growing up, watching them change through the years so you never forget these moments, and it was something you could send to distance grandparents. You know, perpetuating the lie that their little grand-babies are the most darling, well-behaved children they have ever seen and debunking the stories you tell of how horrible they were at the restaurant or church. Not their sweet angels they see on the cute video! Now a days, when a parent grabs the video camera, the only thing they are thinking is "I can't wait to upload this to YouTube and facebook." Its a digital age people. Now they have documented evidence on how cute/funny their child is and to show off to all their family/friends/past classmates/mailman/pre-school teachers/pastors/rabbis/ex-boyfriends/brother's friend's sister's cousin you met at a party in December who you didn't like at first then they made that funny joke you shouldn't have laughed at but it was funny if you think about it but then they spilled that drink on the dude's carpet and you felt so bad for them that you accepted their friend request the next day. All parents want to show their funny/cute video to that one classmate who checks his facebook after pulling into his multi-million dollar house in his $200,000 Ferrari to sit down to eat his bald eagle con fit and blue whale risotto dinner personally prepared by Wolfgang Puck as he eats off his solid gold china from China and for him to watch your video and think, "Man, I wish I had kids and was struggling financially. Then life would be perfect!"

But in the days of facebook and YouTube let me be honest: Parents, not all your videos are 'online worthy'. I would say 9 out of 10 videos should be saved for family videos, straight to DVD only. Just like Disney's Swiss Family Robinson 3: The Bloody Massacre in the Trees, in 3D. Most people on facebook don't want to sign on and see how your kid can now say the word dog. Its not riveting entertainment by today's standards. Why post a link to your video when most people want to spend their time on facebook wisely by seeing how many comments they got on their "my day was tiring, how was yours?" post and taking the latest "Which Harry Potter character are you?" They also need to switch over to People.com and check out who Justin Timerlake is dating now. I mean, lets be honest, there is only 24 hours in a day and only 14 hours of those can be devoted to facebook and People. Priorities, people! Did that one hurt stay-at-home moms? Hit a little too close to home? Well take an unnecessary trip to Target and you will feel better. You always do. So the mediocre facebook video is really only good distance grandparents who don't get to see your children very often. But even then, sometimes Grandma just wants to jump online check her farmville account and go back to following Justin Bieber's tweets. She can't be wasting time on your kid's "spaghetti face."

But once in a great while, when the stars align, and your child's anti-video hormone is suppressed by an overload of Easy Mac and Gold fish crackers, you will capture on video that hilarious moment that makes you laugh every time you see the video. And its worth sharing with the world, because its quality. Well tonight we captured such a moment with our 3 year old Drew. This was totally unprompted. He just started doing this face/dance over and over, to a point that his eyes hurt but it gave us enough time to get the camera and record it. What was so funny, was when the 6 year old was going to do his funny face, Drew kept up his move in the background, again and again. I kept thinking "That's an old wives tale about how if you make a funny face it will get stuck like that, right?" Well that was only the first part of that old wives tale. The second part says, "But if it is truly funny, keep doing it and ignore the first part. Risk future public ridicule and therapy for the thrill of making people laugh right now." Anyway, the video speaks for itself. I hope you can take time out of your mafia wars to enjoy it. Keep watching Drew.




I was laughing so hard, I couldn't breath. I hope you enjoyed watching it as much as I forced him to keep doing it.

Hoping Drew makes it to community college, but realistically setting our sights on a GED,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Put the attitude down and no one will get hurt!

I have recently come to this realization after just taking our boys out to a nice restaurant and as we prepare to try our luck at taking them to a wedding. Taking children into public is a lot like a hostage negotiation. There are many stages that the the parent will go through when attempting to deal with their own little terrorist in public, trying to maintain the peace and make sure everyone makes it home safe. But in most hostage negotiations, it never goes as planned and someone ends up getting hurt or going to jail.

Stage 1: The Appeal
This is the first stage because it is the most harmless and always works for those "good parents" who have little angels that listen and obey everything their parents tell them. When the child begins to act out, the parent makes an appeal to the child to really look at their behavior and make the right choice. Much like the negotiator will appeal to the criminal to re-evaluate his decision to commit the crime. "Come on, now think about this. Do you really want to do this? Think about what grandma would think. What would Jesus do?" And for lesser crimes and wonderful children, this strategy works. But not for my boys.

Stage 2: The Negotiation
When the appeal process breaks down and your child non-verbally answers you, "Hell yes, we are doing this. Its go time!" Then the negotiations open. This is the strategy when you have to give something to get something. Much like a negotiator will ask for a hostage in exchange for food. It usually follows the "if, then" pattern. "Ok, if you sit still at dinner, then you can go home a play Mario Kart. But if you get up, then no Mario." "If you will stop screaming, then there is ice cream in your future." "If you quit hitting your brother, then you can hit daddy all you want when we get home." This will work part of the time depending on how sweet the deal is. They must give very little and receive a lot. They wont trade in 'not screaming' for a sticker at home. You had better have that sticker in hand, it better be Spider man shooting webs and not just hanging on a wall, and there had better be a sticker book included with 50 other activity pages including but not limited to: tic tac toe, word search, mazes, and find whats wrong in this picture; and it better not have a lot of coloring pages because you only brought 8 crayons and he prefers markers anyway, but if it is crayons you'd better have at least 64, at least. Because if he want to color something brown, he'd better have the option of maroon and deep brick because sometimes you just need to switch it up. See, gain a little, give a lot.

Stage 3: The Threat
Sometimes when the negotiation fails and the criminal is not going to play give and take, negotiations descend into the threat. You can see that the perp is being unreasonable and nothing is getting through to them despite you best efforts at being a rational, Dr. Dobson-following parent. The next option is to threaten without offering them a reward to stop their crime. Hostage Negotiators will threaten like, "Alright, you've got 5 minutes to come out with your hands up or we are coming in after you." This is also the time when Moms will sick the Dads on the kids, much like the police. "If you don't come out, Swat is coming in." In these situations, I have my wife refer to me as "Swat." I have the helmet, riot gear and its not only a name but its what I do with my hand to their butts. "Just wait till your father gets home and hears what you did at Kroger." The threat also sounds like, "If you keep mouthing off to me here at the restaurant, you'll be in Time Out so long people will think you work here." "If you keep yelling at each other in the car, I hope you have good shoes on because its a long walk home from here." The threat usually works if the criminal knows you are not bluffing and will follow up with your threat. But if you are bluffing, or he has got nothing to lose, you move to the next stage.

Stage 4: The Plead
When all threats have fallen by the wayside and no amount of promised torture is affecting them, one of the last options is the plead. Its when all hope is gone and they are about to win. They have been screaming for last hour, the waiter has brought you 20 bags of crackers, 15 different crayons, 10 sets of silverware, the old couple in the corner has judged and sentenced you to being the worst parent they have ever seen, the manager is debating about asking you to leave or call the cops for disturbing the peace, and Children's Services is dialed into your phone because you are about to turn yourself in for a little piece and quiet. You then turn to the bandit and plead, "please, please, why are you doing this to me? I have been good to you. I have given you food and a place to sleep at night. I've tried my best to raise you right. So why do you hate me? I will do anything to make you stop. I am begging you. I would get down on my knees but the floor is covered with cracker crumbs, silverware, and crayons and I am already paying more in the tip then the actual meal because of the mess you have made. So please stop, PLEASE!" Of course this usually does not work. At least it doesn't with my boys because they want to see if in one day they can make daddy grow grey hair in front of them or cause a spontaneous stress ulcer, which ever comes first. If all else fails, you enter the last stage.

Stage 5: The Give Up
One side has to give up at one time or another. In a hostage situation, both sides never both win. There is no win-win. Like the Highlander says, "There can be only one." It is in this stage when the hands go up in defeat, the parent says that final word, "FINE!" and either the meal, wedding, grocery trip, concert, bah mitzvah, playdate, playground, or church is over and you leave. Or my favorite, the parent shuts down, closing his ears to all outside noise, stares forward and goes to his happy place. That happy place when the world was young, when it was just you and your wife, where you had no kids and if there were unruly kids you could freely judge those parents for being bad parents and the only noise you could hear was silence.

So if you are a cop, be brave out there. Its a cruel, crime infested world where danger lurks around every corner, ready to take advantage of the innocent. So be safe and everyone will make it home alive. (Translation: So if you are a parent, stay strong out there. Its an unfair, children infested world where your rugrats are with you all day everyday, ready to make your life miserable when you didn't do anything wrong. So be patient, they legally have to move out by age 18.)

Hoping all your hostage negotiations end in stage 1,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Where do you want to go to dinner tonight? I know....Hell!!

It was one of those dinners. In theory, a nicely planned dinner out with the family where we would laugh and joke, share our hopes and dreams and enjoy each other's companies while literally writing the memories on our hearts that we will share for years to come about this wonderful meal we would share together. But that didn't happen. Here's what did.

We had just finished a nice afternoon at the playgorund where all 3 boys were able to run and play and enjoy themselves. But in parent terms it accomplished 2 things: 1) it was a time-killer till bedtime and 2) it was an energy-burner to make sure bed time happened soon and it would go smoothly. So next time you are at a park and you see parents encouraging their children to keep playing and keeping running, its not because they want them to have fun, its because its something to do and its to ensure an easy, quick bedtime.

Side note: As an adult your day/week is typically broken up by meals, work, weekends and social activities. Things you are looking forward to. Such as, "I can't wait till lunch. We are meeting up with my friend at this new restaurant." or "Saturday night is volleyball! I just have to make it through one more day." But as a parent, your day is broken up only by children sleeping. Such as, "Lets make it through lunch, then its nap time!" Or there's only 4 more hours till bedtime then....FREEDOM!!!"

I faced this today, when after naptime ended, I looked at the clock and thought, "what are we supposed to do for 5 more hours?" It was that dreaded time of day every parent fears, A.N. or T.B. Either timeframe will suffice and all parents should know it. If you say to another parent, "Its 4 T.B." They know its 4 hours "Till Bedtime". Or 2 A.N. 2 hours "After Nap." The count down is always ticking in every parents head. Its what replaces the biological clock in a person after they have had a child.

So luckily we came up with the playground idea. After the playground, we decided to get dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. A little torilla chips and quesadillas, what could go wrong? So we go and the kids start snacking immediately on torilla chips. This is wonderful cause you dont have to wait for a waiter to scrounge up crackers or croutons while you attempt to keep your child entertained by coloring a crappy drawing of a generic cartoon bird while they fight over who gets the blue crayon for 20 mintues until your food arrives. Sorry Applebee's but its true. Well they are all eating chips and I am enjoying the salsa until my 20 month old starts reaching for it as well. So of course, I give it to him. And he loves it! Pretty soon, the chips are just a means to an end, while he is shoveling only the salsa into his mouth, no longer eating the chips. I love Mexican places because they also bring your food so quickly. So their quesadillas come, but problem...they have chicken and peppers in them! I tell Zachary, the 6 year old, not to look inside like it will spoil the mystery of why its so good but he realizes its because once he sees its not cheese only, he will not eat it. So he is now only eating the fries that came with it. Drew, the 3 year old, is only eating the fries as well because if Zachary wont eat it, he wont either. But he does want ketchup with his fries. Of course after taking 2 bites of fries with ketchup he no longer wants the ketchup and no longer wants it on his plate either. We convince him after much arguing that he should keep it on his plate cause there is nowhere else to put a tablespoon of loose ketchup. But now after seeing this debate, Nate, the 20 month old now wants ketchup too. So at this point, Nate is now only eating salsa and ketchup for dinner! And apparently also heard from latest Vogue magazine that these 2 items were the latest fashion trend in Paris this season, so decided to spread both all over his face, arms and clothing. And during this whole scene, Drew is trying to return to the womb by being all over Lindsey and not letting her eat without being touched for 2 seconds. I am also convinced that Moms have some kind of internal magnet that causes their children to be touching them 24 hours a day. Its like the child can not help but touch them. But if they are not touching, chemical receptors fire in the child's brain to make them complain about something until they can be up in Mom's business again. So Drew is wiggling and jumping all over Lindsey despite the repeated asking for him to stop. When he does, he picks up his full cup of water, was asked to return it to the table, ignored that command, took the top off, and "accidentally" dropped into Lindsey's purse. Not around it. Not spilled the water that eventually washed to her purse. Literally poured the whole cup into the purse. Cell phone was pulled out dripping including the wallet and all other soaked pieces of paper. At this point, Lindsey stands up and announces "I'm done. We are leaving." While she goes to find the waiter, who checked on us 5 times in the first 5 minutes of our meal but now when we need him, has gone underground, joined the witness protection agency, and requires an APB and a whole search party to join hands and walk across the cornfield together to find him, Drew is wet and screaming, wont sit down and demands to go with mommy to find the Lindberg baby waiter. So I am now telling him to sit, telling Zachary to finish his dinner of chips and fries, and attempting unsuccessfully to wipe down the tomato-stained Tyra Banks. We finally get the check, pay it quickly, grab the kids and exit stage left. We go quickly because 1) Its 20 min T.B. and 2) We dont want to see the face of the bus boy that has to clean up our mess cause that is instant guilt. Its better not to know. We know the responsibility that comes with cleaning up after our family dinner. The only difference between eating out and eating in is that when we eat in, we have a dog that does 80% of the clean-up. As evidenced by her 50 pounds of extra body fat. She may be overweight, but our floors stay clean and she gets fed. Its a win win.

So that was our wonderful dinner out which makes me begin to understand why "kids eat free on Tuesday night ONLY." They must have extra bus boys on staff on Tuesdays. Or they bring in overweight dogs to clean up at the end of the night.

Off to clean our salsa/ketchup stained bathtub and to air out a purse,
THe Joyful and Tired Dad